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• Despite the fact his dad says they're planning a Kabbalah commitment ceremony and he's currently shacking up at her apartment, Jesus Luz tells a Brazilian TV station that Madonna is "just a friend." Also: He really doesn't mind it if you refer to him as her "boy toy." [NYDN]
• Kiefer Sutherland has apologized to Jack McCollough for head-butting him, and charges against the actor are likely to be dropped. Not that he's learned much of a lesson: He was spotted boozing it up on the LES with his daughter in tow last week. [NYP, P6]
• The celebrity crime wave continues: Kevin Bacon had his BlackBerry stolen from him last week. And Monica Bellucci and husband Vincent Cassel had more than a quarter of a million dollars in cash and jewels taken from them while they were attending the Cannes Film Festival. [NYP, DM]
• Mel Gibson has confirmed that he and his Russian musician girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, are expecting. [People, NYDN]
Mariah Carey spent Memorial Day in Turkey. Why Turkey? Because a hotel paid her $1.5 million to perform, that's why. [P6]

• Mike Tyson's 4-year-old daughter, Exodus, is in the hospital and on life support after some sort of accident involving a treadmill. [NYDN]
• Rumor has it Adriana Lima is three months pregnant. [NYDN]
• Bernie Madoff's seized yacht has turned into something of a tourist attraction in the South of France. [P6]
• Speaking of France, Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt were kicked off a yacht in Cannes last week after they were caught making out. [Mirror]
• Jon Peters has pulled the plug on his controversial Hollywood tell-all. [P6]
• More financial trouble for Annie Leibovitz: She may be forced into bankruptcy by a lighting company that says it's owed $189,000. [P6]
Billy Joel's former drummer is suing the Piano Man for not paying him royalties he says he's owned. [NYP]
• Natalie Cole has been discharged from a hospital after undergoing a kidney transplant. [People]
• Rumor has it Kate Moss is writing a novel. [Sun]
• Rumor also has it Amy Winehouse is working on a clothing line. [Grazia]
• It was rumored that Paul Allen cut short his trip to Cannes because of a medical emergency, although the Microsoft co-founder says he's fine. [NYDN]
• Poor publicist Jonathan Cheban was injured at a party for the Kardashian girls when a photographer hit him in the head with his camera. [P6]
• Ryan O'Neal may be working on a sequel to his documentary on Farrah Fawcett. [P6]
• Rapper T.I. would like you to pray for him before he heads off to jail. [NYDN]
• Jay Bennett, formerly of the band Wilco, died on Sunday at age 45. [NYDN]
• Paul McCarney is supposedly furious about having to switch from analog to digital, since he now has to go out and buy new TV sets. [MSNBC]