I have terrible news. The Broadway-bound revival of swingin' Godsex musical Godspell has been postponed. And you know why? The economy. Yes the bad economy is even stopping Jesus. What terrible, hellacious times are we living in, anyway? You'd half expect to see demons filling our streets... And! Wait, yes! Look, there they are. Hell beasts, and Bigfeet, and all manner of other two-headed ghouls. It's the summer of monsters, lurching into our world from the ruined corners of this modern world. After the jump we'll take a digested look at this season's many abominable creatures.
The Monster That Washed Ashore In Our Bank Accounts Unless one person clicked on the post 1.4 million times, I'm pretty sure most have you have heard of our good friend the Montauk Monster. He's an international phenomenon, featured on CNN and Fox News and in David Edelstein reviews of art house movies. Is he a dead raccoon? A movie marketing ploy? A terrible Plum Island experiment gone kablooey? No! He's a monster from some hell planet that brings bad tidings of doom and misery for this American life. But he's also kind of fun and charming in a gross, leathery, bloated and beaked way. Oh Monty, never let us go. Srsly. Need summer home in Montauk, kthx.
El Chupacabra Es Un Diablo! No, it's not viral marketing for the X-Files movie. That piece of junk was already a terrific bomb when video footage of this bordertown beast surfaced. It could be some sort of dog, a goat's blood-sucking fiend, or a mournful Jennifer Lopez wandering the desert searching for validation. Really, though, he represents our completely legitimate Lou Dobbsian fear of illegal immigrants. If such a creature can roam our edges unmolested, what nefarious El Salvadoran dreaming of working at a car wash could be threatening our most desolate and boring American towns?
Bruce Davison's Night Terrors Made Manifest Perhaps our most famous and elusive monster, Bigfoot is America's Loch Ness Monster. The legend has thrilled and fascinated people for years, tying into international cryptozoological study of the Yeti of the Himalayas, the Yeren of China, and, of course, Orang Pendek of Indonesia. People have suggested that he is some sort of missing link, perhaps a member of the supposedly extinct Homo Erectus (heh heh heh) species. What mystery! What history! Oh it's all so exciting! And now, well, the lumbering fucker is dead. Yep. Curled up dead in an old freezer in Georgia. (The peachy one, not the warry one.) Sad.
The Great Two-Headed Turtle Caper One of our tiniest and adorablest and "oh my gawd Mother Nature has a dark, dark sense of humor"est monsters has been pilfered! Freak-face McSnappers is a two-headed turtle who was taken from a Brooklyn pet store on Sunday. The owner of the store-who brews strange potions in the backroom and cackles wildly, her one jaundiced eye sparkling with some demonic knowledge-says it's not a good situation, because the turtle(s?) needs special handling, "each head has to be fed by hand because otherwise they fight over food." Um shriek! that's shriek! so shriek! sad shrieeeek!!! KILL IT! BURY IT DEAD AND SEND IT BACK TO THE HORRIBLE NUCLEAR INFERNO FROM WHENCE IT CAME!! So those are the four big monster stories of the season, but I'm sure there are others. Perhaps you took a wrong turn near the Pine Barrens on the way home from Denise's house (maybe you should just kiss her, Ricky said she liked you a few months back, right?) and you saw some shadowy something loping through the trees. No, it wasn't the Jersey Devil. It was Jim McGreevey looking for men! Haha, gay jokes. So, in conclusion, gay people are monsters. Happy summer y'all!