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• Nobody makes Harvey Weinstein wait and that apparently includes Penelope Cruz, who faced his wrath in London last week when she showed up late to a screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then went up to her suite to change outfits, causing Harvey to scream, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• So much for A-Rod. Madonna has reportedly turned her attention to a male model named Jesus, who she met in Brazil and who's now on tour with her. Less importantly, Guy Ritchie may be dating Brit heiress Jemima Khan. [P6, The Sun, People]
• Courtney Love says she's stopped taking her antidepressant medication so she can "feel the rage" when she records her new album. That sounds healthy! [Daily Express]

• Samantha Ronson checked into Cedars-Sinai yesterday, possibly because she's suffering from exhaustion, depression, and/or a lack of food/sleep. [TMZ, L&S]
• Michael Jackson is near death, suffering from a rare lung condition, and in need a transplant, according to a friend. [NYP]
Cosmo UK has apologized to Scarlett Johansson for fabricating quotes in its January issue. [Guardian]
• Fisher Stevens says he completely believes that Jeremy Piven has mercury poisoning because he had it this year, too. [P6]
• Director Ridley Scott told Russell Crow he's "too fat and that he can't show up four hours late to the set," which is why Russell wants him fired from the movie they're working on together. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen is, like, totally super-excited about the recession because it totally means more department store sales! Yay. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston had to abandon her two dogs in LA because John Mayer hates them so much. Tragic, huh? [NYDN]
Real Housewives's Alex McCord and her husband Simon would like to write a book about urban parenting. [P6]
Sirio Maccioni's oldest son Mario "nearly lost an eye" while trying to fix a paintball gun for his kids last week. [P6]
Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky have been engaged for three years, but they're "waiting for something special to come along" before they tie the knot. [Daily Star]
• Katie Holmes plans to stay in New York for her final performance in All My Sons instead of join Tom Cruise at the Golden Globes. [Fox411]
• Jessica Alba and Cash Warren held a wedding reception on Friday night. [E!]
• Lisa Rinna is posing nude in Playboy. [E!]
• Poor Paris. Not only was she robbed of $2 million worth of jewelry last week, but nobody in Hollywood wants to be seen with her either. [LAT, P6]