The "direct mail marketing" industry, also known as the people who bring you junk mail, is "going green." In related news, the hot dog industry will be going vegetarian. It seems patently ridiculous that a coalition of junk mailers is going to end pollution, but don't worry-they're not going to strain themselves too hard. "You don't want to scare companies away from joining because they fear some stringent regulation," explains one member. The general public is mired in environmental apathy these days, too. But maybe that's a good thing, considering what the alternative to "direct mail" is:

"We know that the guidelines need to evolve into specific recommendations and goals," [coalition member Tom] Berquist said. "And yes, we know that eventually, we have to get paper out of the equation altogether."

MORE SPAM. Huzzah! And there's always this creative tactic:

There is also support for "list hygiene" - that is, cleaning out direct-mail lists to remove the names of dead people and others unlikely to respond.

ONLY SEND MAIL TO THE LIVING. We'll have this crisis solved in no time.