The British press is different from the American press. According to the Financial Times columnist Gideon Rachman, the American press walks like this: "self-reverential, long-winded, over-edited and stuffy." And the British press walks like this: with making shit up and alcohol! Hah. Another important difference? KNIFE CRIME.

What is KNIFE CRIME? It's England's version of our regular crime. Except with scary scary knives instead of boring, conventional guns. And it's a menace that's shaking the very foundations of British society! No Briton can walk down their funny, twisty streets without being HACKED or SLASHED or STABBED these days! Mostly stabbed!


Ministers and police search in vain for solutions! Perhaps knives should be outlawed! But then, as we in America know, only outlaws would have knives. And the outlaws will have extra-scary knives. Like the dreaded WASP KNIFE, a "deadly new knife with exploding tip that freezes victims' organs." Holy shit!

Labour MP for Perry Barr in Birmingham, Khalid Mahmood, said: "Weapons like this are absolutely disgraceful and there is no reason at all why people should be walking around the streets with them.

"There should be high-profile operations and high-profile arrests against anybody caught with them. The way to tackle the wider issue of knife crime is with effective community policing, which the West Midlands force does very well.

"The Met could pick up on the lessons from West Midlands Police in its excellent community work in places like Handsworth, Aston and Lozells."

There does not yet seem to be any evidence that anyone in Britain even has one of these American-made knives. But, you know, PANIC.