Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ''Hot' Is Not In My Vocabulary'
Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:
1) Build Value Systems By Cooing Over Tween Hotties, Ignoring Potentially Fatal Physical Traumas: As the merry threesome prepares to jet from their booby mommy enclave on Long Island to glittery, career-boosting party town for all ages Las Vegas, Dina provides a very important display of maternal morals. Cody, wincing in pain, reports a “concussion,” and after initially (intelligently!) ignoring his sobs, he repeats the alert, begging her to “listen!” But Dina marches ahead, tending to her judging responsibilities in the realm of Severely Underage Girl Sexiness, proving one’s own painfully immature value hierarchy should be spread to spawn firmly and decisively. Also, that no matter how “hot” one knows one is, never let on to the kiddies. They’ll be totally jealous.
2) Disguise Personal Ambitions By Vicariously Living Them Out Through Equally Talentless Daughter: No matter how stomach-turning and phlegm-laced her screeches, Dina encourages 14-year old Ali’s musical goals by following a very difficult method: imagination! Dina insists Ali is talented because she “trusts the producer.” The producer, who is being paid by Dina to provide a very pricey stage for practice and far too many recording sessions that cost who-knows-what. Dina’s solution to the reality? “I leave the room.”
3) Decrease “Mom” Time By Assigning Majority Of It To Staff And Hiring “Magicians”: Spending time with your kids can be totally annoying. You have to feign interest in their love of dumb boy things like sports (ick) and magic (so W.T.). So Dina, loving mother that she is, shows her sole male heir just how much she cares about him by providing suitable entertainment throughout the day. Translation? By hiring other people to insert Fun into his routine! And then bragging about the QT to other siblings, who are so exhausted from “singing” they yearn for her divided attention that much more.