Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: “I Was Called Spider Legs, Carpenter’s Dream, Flat As A Board”
In our second edition of Living Lohan’s most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn’t help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali’s sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week’s tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It’s like, we can’t put our finger on how exactly she’s changed but, oh wait! Yes, she’s showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night:
Invent Imaginary ‘Allergies’ To Break Tweenage Daughter From Her Nail-Polish Habit! Despite being a provably devoted fan of nail polish in all its acrylic glory, Dina found herself in one of those situations every mother does nowadays: being trapped in an SUV with a cameraman by your side as your gory makeup-loving daughter paints her own nails. Solution? Whine endlessly about your "allergy" to the stuff, as you struggle to drive with nails so polished even one of Lindsay's toy knives couldn't break 'em.
Deal With Daughter’s Mean Friends By Inviting Access Hollywood Over! After receiving a call from Ali's school and learning that real-live "Mean Girls" were picking on her, Dina wisely handles her 15-year old's moping by inviting a nationally broadcast tabloid crew over to the
manse house. The decision may seem counterproductive, potentially conducive to yet more stress, and generally irrelevant, but Dina knows what she's doing: distracting Ali from junior high bitches at her school by ensuring junior high bitches at every school in the land will pick on her! Lesson? Let as many people talk shit about you as possible, so long as they're all far, far away.
Enlist Token Friend With Worse Hair And Sadder Life Than You To Battle Blues! Even after sweeping that whole incident under the table (well, you know, broadcasting it on television, which is really the same thing), Dina confides in one of her BFFs about the traumatic experience. And in a stroke of Dina's trademark brilliance, this particular BFF was chosen for several clever reasons to boost Dina's mood: she wears glasses (Dina wears botulinum toxin), she does not do her hair (Dina has a blow-drying attendant just above Ali and just below Lindsay on speed dial), and she's tragically dealing with the loss of one of her own children. The entire package is enough to make Dina summon her best crocodile tears and just maybe, a little sympathy from the show's