Ruthless press baron Rupert Murdoch has concocted two diabolical schemes to ruin the lives of New York tabloid readers and owners forever. First scheme: Murdoch will raise the price of his New York Post — NO! — to fifty cents, with the extra quarter going directly into a special fund for the eradication of all remaining integrity and decency in American media, starting with the Wall Street Journal, which Murdoch has not yet finished burning to the ground forever. Ha ha, just kidding, the extra quarter will just offset the Post's estimated $50 million per year losses, and you will pay it, because it's not like you can just read Page Six on the internet or something. Scheme the second: is classified. This is a secret scheme. But:

It involves Murdoch somehow destroying Cablevision's $650 million bid for Newsday, a bid $70 million higher than Murdoch's own bid. You can just tell Murdoch is up to something. Listen to this quote:

Mr. Murdoch spoke on the call with Wall Street analysts and the press after the release of quarterly earnings from the News Corporation, the global media conglomerate he controls. On the call, he said, "no, I don't think Cablevision will prevail; just be patient for a couple days."

Just be patient?? For two days? That's awful specific. And it sounds like a villain's line from a b-grade action thriller. Just tell me this, Rupe: Does it involve Australian frogman commandos? Please let it involve Australian frogman commandos.

And write about it in the Post before you raise the price in two weeks.