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While everyone just assumed it was Michael Jackson that Corey Feldman was referring to when he and Corey Haim played a game of childhood-sex-abuse one-upmanship on The Two Coreys—a dark series of admissions that coincided nicely with that reality show's season premiere and the upcoming release of The Lost Boys 2—it turns out that the Bubbles-Toting One played no part in the scarring recollections. Feldman revealed to GQ that the the abuse came at the hands of his assistant, back when Hollywood assistants' hands weren't already occupied with Blackberrys and Venti Lattés. From Page Six:

BOTH Corey Haim and Corey Feldman say they were sexually abused as child stars - and the culprit was not their old pal, Michael Jackson, who was acquitted of sexual abuse charges filed by others. "People can say whatever they want, but it wasn't Michael," Feldman told GQ's Mickey Rapkin.

"He and I have our own issues, but that wasn't one of them. The guy that did this to me was my assistant. I was still a virgin at the time. I hadn't even had sex with a girl. So for me it was just kind of bewildering." About his abuse, Haim adds, "It's something that will be addressed in my inner soul for the rest of my life, and it's something that truly affects me . . . It's just like, it happened, it's over, and move on. Let's move on to the next subject."

Yes, lets! No wait—we can't. Not yet. We're still trying to wrap our minds around the actual logistics of being molested by one's own assistant, as we're having difficulty picturing Feldman behind the wheel of an '86 Corvette, instructing his sex-offender gofer, "So, after you pick up my dry-cleaning and get me a Filet o' Fish with two slices of cheese, could you...*quiet weeping*...yes, I promise not to tell anyone...bring King to the groomers? Awesome, thanks dude."