Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:

1) Always Take Your Children's Needs Into Consideration. Except When You're 'Bout To Get Your Party On In Vegas! As the doomed 11-year old Cody quietly requests to remain home with his friends rather than follow Dina and Ali around as they con rich gamblers like Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Heartbreakers, Dina smartly responds by laughing in his face, confessing "privately" to the entire world that her children do not have generic, boring human abilities like "choice." Thoroughly humiliated, talking back is no longer an option — job well done.

2) Having Old Moms Is Sad, Especially When The Only Time You See Them Is Through Your Tinted Windows On The Way Back From Da Club! Dina makes quite an effort to point out just how terribly sad and lonely her dear old mother is, and we almost spot an actual set of angelic wings atop her stiff shoulders when she insists that her brother take care of the 82-year old widow while she and her brood attempt to get famous. And Dina, clever minx, even pretends to extend an invite to the Chardonnay lady by suggesting they all trek over the border in a Winnebago! Brilliant. Everyone hates Winnebagos! Emotion displayed, feelings expressed, buzzkill excluded.

3) Shopping Is Way More Fun With Daughters, So Dress Your Sons In Nothing But Nike! We really are feeling sorry for young Cody, particularly after watching Dina hire his friends last week, and the 11-year old wasn't showing any signs of altering his fate towards Corey-esque levels of decadence last night. Pleading to stay home while the girls shop for girly shit in Vegas, Cody dares to challenge Dina with a bit of truthiness: Dina never takes him shopping! But our maternal icon, naturally, comes up with a one-word solution to every mom's troubles when dealing with dressing a prepubescent boy: "Niketown." The one-stop cheap shot way to portray a loving mother without having to actually lay a manicured finger on things like "nylon" or "mesh lining."