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Call it a midlife crisis, queasiness or just sheer boredom, but good soldier Mark Wahlberg may have finally reached his leading-man saturation point with The Happening. It was bad enough that the gossips attribute his persistent new jitters to his work with "that scary motherfucker Manoj" Night Shyamalan, or that the actor fled Tuesday's premiere and afterparty to watch his Celtics battle the Lakers in the NBA Finals. But no on-screen spookiness could prepare him for the terrifying onslaught of questions about his past with the Funky Bunch:

What about a reunion with the Funky Bunch who are also reportedly getting back together? "Not a f—ing chance," he told me.

"They asked me if I would partake and I had to decline," he continued. "Part of me would love to run around and act like a freaking a-hole again but I can't do that. I've got two kids. I saw something on VH1 or something about me in the 90s and I thought, oh my God, how am I going to explain this to my kids? I have a few years to think about how to finesse it but I do think about it on a daily basis."

This is actually a pretty easy one for Defamer's Bureau of Parental Reinvention, which encourages honesty and accountability in all situations dealing with early-'90s pop and/or underwear modeling. Look no further than Billy Ray Cyrus, whose embrace of his mulleted working-class roots yielded the phenomenal, 'tween-enabling trailer-trash empire we know today. And he didn't even have to star in an "eco-thriller" by the director of Lady in the Water. And what of Uncle Donnie rejoining New Kids on the Block? What message do concealed "Good Vibrations" really send? Come on, Mark — it's time. Be a man. Be a father. Be Funky.