Ohh poor beleaguered celebrities. When caught drug-handed or with pants down, they often have to make very public excuses for their un-role modely behavior. The latest came from former child star Tatum O'Neal, who was arrested for trying to buy crack in New York on Sunday night. She says she was sober, but had been chasing the dragon around the streets of New Amsterdam because she was distraught over the death of her dog. She claims she didn't know she was buying crack, and yet was in possession of a crack pipe. Oh, Tatum. A little darling no more. Also, lie better. There are other wonderfully silly celebrity excuses (including another one involving a dog!) waiting for you after the jump. Tell us which one you think is the worst.

Kevin Spacey Was Just Walking His Dog, Not Trolling For Gay Sex
When police came to the rescue of the actor in a London park at 4:30am, Spacey claimed to have been mugged while walking his dog. When asked what the bloody 'ell he was doing out and about so late, Spacey replied "you know walking your dog in the park is a perfectly normal thing to do, but you know I think that they are always trying to, you know, (say) 'What was he doing in that park at 4.30 a.m.?' My doggy had to go!" Right. He later retracted his mugging story, and claimed that he had fallen for a con in which someone stole his cell phone. He tripped while running after the bandit, thus injuring himself. He most certainly was not punched in the face after making advances on a drunken waiter, or, you know, looking for a little anonymous hump.

Winona Ryder Thought She Was Allowed to Steal Things
When the peculiar actress was arrested for shoplifting thousands of dollars worth of merchandise at a Los Angeles Saks Fifth Avenue, Ryder reportedly told a security guard that she was on the job, saying "I was told that I should shoplift. The director said I should try it out.'' Hah. It was research! For a role! Which makes it legal. Like when O.J. killed his wife and Ron Goldman because he heard Nordberg might be a killer in the never-filmed Naked Gun 44 1/4. Ryder, of course, later blamed it on drugs.

Lindsay Lohan Borrows Coke Pants
When the sort-of actress was in a car that was pulled over and was found to have Colombian marching powder in her pockets, she told police officers that the pants she was wearing were not hers. Implying that she had been wearing someone else's slacks for such a short amount of time that she hadn't yet realized that there were drugs in the pockets. We're not sure whose pants they may have been. Lindsay is supposedly cleaned up now, after several stints in rehab. Though we have no word on whether or not her trouser trading continues unabated.

Ashlee Simpson's Acid Reflux
When the "singer," who is the sister of sorta more famous singer/professional idiot Jessica, was performing on Saturday Night Live, she was exposed as an evil lip-syncer when the wrong vocal track was played at the top of her second number. She did a lame little hoedown jig, then slunk off stage. She later claimed that she had to use a vocal track because of severe acid reflux. The people of the world collectively patted her head in a condescending way and sent her, lack of vocal skills and all, trotting off into the sunset. She's now married and pregnant and, oh yeah, a terrible singer.

Eddie Murphy Runs a Hooker Taxi Service
When he got caught with a transsexual prostitute in his car, the comedian said "I was being a good Samaritan. It's not the first hooker I've helped out. I've seen hookers on corners... and I'll pull over... and they'll go, Oh you're Eddie Murphy, oh my God, and I'll empty my wallet out to help." Oh he's so noble!

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Which ones did we miss?