Today, we learned from the Times of London that Felix Dennis, Britain's eccentric billionaire entrepreneur and the vice-engaging publisher of Maxim, may have already killed a man. But besides the events of one dark night at the edge of a cliff 25 years ago, did you know that he's also an accomplished poet? Here's one of them, titled, "Polite Notice — To All Health and Safety Facists."

Polite Notice - To Health & Safety Fascists

To Health & Safety Fascists:
We've met your kind before—
The 'Peace At Any Price' brigade
When Hitler threatened war;

As snitches in the playground,
Uriah Heeps in suits,
Who'd stand and watch a kiddie drown
In case you wet your boots;

Who puff-up in your uniforms
And counterfeit the bold,
Then bleat and whine to hide the shame:
"I did as I was told!"

Who love to fuss and meddle,
And tell us what we know,
The poodle pimps of clerks and claims
With bureaucrats in tow;

Who chop down healthy street trees:
"We simply must, you see,
In case you slip... on fallen leaves...
And then where would we be?"

We'd be just fine... impaling
Your donkey heads on poles,
You piffling, pointless, jobsworth toads—
Now get back in your holes!

This next poem is more haunting in tone. Where did the author step out to, and will he be coming back?

I just stepped out ...

Where am I? Oh, I just stepped out,
No need to make a fuss, or shout,
No need to comb the nearest wood
Or roam about the neighbourhood.

Call off the dog she'll find no scent,
Please don't worry where I went,
And do not climb the garden tree,
My dear, you'll catch no glimpse of me.

The attic steps will pinch your thumb,
The cellar will be dark and dumb,
Yet should you search your heart with care,
Though I am gone, you'll find me there.

June, 2007

From Felix Dennis's website.