Hey, that rich white boy can breakdance. Well, sort of. On last night's Real Housewives of New York City, the Countess LuAnn's
daughter son Noelle took breakdancing lessons from a man named Cyclone. He later performed in front of his family (including the Count himself) and was heartily praised, most of all by Countess LuAnn, who was glad to see him getting involved in something artistic (other than, you know, the cello at school). It was a fairly sweet moment, and yet still bleakly representative of everything that is wrong with these people. Breakdancing lessons? From an instructor who comes to your mansion? Really?? Talk about co-opting and stuffing money into an unpluggable hole. These women are smearing themselves and their families with cash and rubies and chic "urban" things like breakdancing to mask the cheap, desperate stink they wallow in daily. OK, yes her husband's a fucking old money Count but her name is LuAnn and she considers wealth a personality trait. So do the rest of these clueless, lovable, and insanely irritating gorgons. Let's find out what they're up to!
Bethenny, the thirty-and-flirty unmarried one broke up with her boyfriend, and proceeded to drink herself stupider. In a dumpy townhouse across the river, it was Alex "Grace Jones in whiteface" McCord's birthday, so her gay friend/husband Simon planned a little nautical surprise party (sailorsss!). Sad, boozy Bethenny got a pity invite, which I'm sure the so-very-posh Alex and Simon immediately regretted after they saw her chugging tequila and mumbling peculiar tone poems to strangers. Silex (like it?) took her aside to make sure she was OK, but it was really just an excuse to do some insincere and evil-looking "concerned" mugging for the precious, precious cameras. Eventually everyone but Silex was ushered off the boat or thrown into the sea, which left the pair alone to have a weird dinner and suck face grotesquely. (Random fact: someone tried to sell us naked pictures of Ms. McCord. Like, for money. Gross.)
Upholstery mogul Jill didn't do much but have some boring problem with her dawwwgs and give some fairly reasonable advice to Bethenny, who was still hurting and decided to flee to Miami for an $1,000 a night hotel stay and booze fest. She didn't get much cheering up, though. When she was there, an old friend from boarding school told her that her eggs were all dry and stale and shriveling up. Nice. Finally Ramona, the one who really belongs on/in Orange County, took her sullen and bratty 12-year-old daughter Avery and her little friends (what a great/terrible age) to a fancy hair salon called Amour De Hair, so they could get all gussied up for a big school dance. One of Avery's friends (Whatsherfuck McGee, I believe) was so precocious and insane that I actually became a little frightened. "If you got it, work it!" she shrieked to Ramona, who later tried to learn how to dance sexy. From her 12-year-old daughter. Man alive I wish I could show you the whole episode, but alas I cannot. Hopefully clips of Alex and Simon fake-comforting Bethenny and crazy Ramona and the ridiculously weird girls at the hair salon will suffice. "Only in New York, kids. Only in New York." [Long, painful barf.]