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A MarketWatch reporter pens a faux-advice letter from sailing-obsessed takeover king Larry Ellison to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. It's far too long to read the whole thing, so I'll do the work for you. Here's the 100-word version:

I have to tell you Steve, I frankly think you show too much. Have you ever seen me jumping up and down in a monkey-dance, red-faced, out of breath, screaming, "I ... LOVE ... THIS ... COMPANY?" You need to be more Zen, cool, calm and collected, like ageless me.

Fake Larry continues:

Steve, you wear your heart on your sleeve. Bad move. A favorite phrase of mine from The Art of War is "All warfare is based on deception."

It would seem that no one else is interested in Yahoo and you may prevail in this costly battle that will drain your cash. If it goes to a proxy battle, the insults will fly. I never cared about that, because I believe in myself and only myself.

And if you win government approval, then your hell has only just begun. It can only be messy, especially as you try to decide things like Yahoo [Mail] or Hotmail? I hope those decisions will keep you forever occupied.