An appalling four months after the brave Deal Or No Deal model-slave known only as Briefcase Number Two took to basic cable to expose the show's inhumane working conditions (particularly chilling was Two's showcasing of the scars Howie Mandel inflicted with a cat o' nine tails for her unacceptable fumbling with a lock on her assigned Zero Halliburton during a crucial moment), the mainstream media has decided to finally take up the mistreated mannequins' cause.

On last night's The Insider, Emmy-award-winning investigative reporter Victoria Recaño presented a report on her harrowing journey into the sordid underbelly of the Deal beast, where even the slightest failure to comply with the show's Three S'—Smile, Suck It In, Stand Up Straight—results in vicious reprisals, like having one's suffocating cocktail dress or arch-destroying shoes crazy-glued to one's body, or being spritzed with a pepper-spray-infused self-tanning formula, the near-paralyzing sting from which serves as an effective reminder of one's tragic failings as a briefcase-opener. To watch the video of Recaño's exposé is to immediately become an agent for spokesmodel-abuse reform, so proceed only if you're prepared to make their struggle your own.