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Editor's note: Sex and money are our two favorite interests. Melissa Gira Grant works at the intersection of both in the Valley. In her own words, "I'm a sex worker, a mistress-for-hire, a whore." She writes candidly, clearly, and (hurrah) short. Melissa will cover a part of the Valley economy that's rarely reported on. What coverage it gets is usually awkward, encoded, and sanitized — in theory to protect the girls, but really to protect the guys. Ok, enough stalling. Blowjob instructions after the jump.

Forty bucks and a car with a front seat can get you sucked off. But you want someone ... nice. Pretty. "Classy." Innocent enough. You're a tech guy. You want a Stanford girl.

The good news: Cute, bored, slightly-short-on-cash Stanford girls are a dime a dozen. Plus $200 to $300 up front. But it's not an easy thing, the blowjob. Here's a step-by-step guide.

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  • Search sfbay area -> sby -> services -> erotic. Keywords you're looking for: "college," "tuition," "arrangement," "daddy."
  • When you find a few likely prospects, email them. DON'T mention money or sex. Follow any instructions she's included, e.g. send her your phone number. She may ask you to confirm who you really are and where you work. She's not a cop — she's a contractor. You can have her call the front desk at your workplace and ask for you. She'll say she's your "trainer" or something.
  • Expect to trade a few mails and a phone call or two to arrange a time and place.
  • Get to her place, which will probably be just like the room you had in college. You might be asked to pay for a motel. Or if you're daring, go to your place. Don't forget a condom.
  • Once you arrive, take off your coat. Turn your phone off in front of her - respect! Place the cash, already tucked into a white envelope, on the bedside table. She'll pick it up at some point. DO NOT mention the money. Ever.
  • The rest, you can sort out on your own.