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Say what you will about Kathleen Turner—she gives good memoir. We're still reeling from her anecdote about Anthony Perkins' habit of sneaking a little whiff of poppers before every shot (though it did shed some light on that scene in Psycho III, where, apropos of nothing, Norman Bates starts making out with a taxidermied racoon). But it's her claims about Nicolas Cage being a drunk driver and convicted dognapping felon that seem to have caused the biggest stir since excerpts of her upcoming autobiography were leaked. Today, a spokesperson issued us this heartfelt statement from the National Treasure star:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: January 24, 2008 Response issued by Nicolas Cage in regard to false statements made by Kathleen Turner in her upcoming book:

"I have never been arrested for anything in my life, nor have I stolen a dog. I am reaching out to my fans—many of whom are children so that they know that I do not condone drunk driving or theft. The reason why you've never seen a mug shot of me is because it does not exist."

Fictional Coensian babynapper H.I. McDunnough notwithstanding, we have every reason to believe Cage is telling his young fans the truth when he swears he has never been arrested for reasons of DUI, Chihuahua-abduction, or any other. Ms. Turner's outrageous recollections must therefore be either hurtful and irresponsible tall-tales concocted to move hardcover units, or the senile ramblings of an aging grand dame of stage and screen, who's had a go of differentiating between real and fantasy ever since she was bonked on the head by a boom mic during filming of V.I. Warshawski.