The first civil suit against alleged former Radar investor and theoretical billionaire Jeffrey Epstein is underway! An anonymous 14-year-old girl is suing Epstein for $50 million for various terrible, terrible things. Epstein, you see, (allegedly!) enjoys the company of destitute young teenagers. According to Jane Doe, an Epstein associate would offer the girls $200 to $300 for performing a simple massage on a creepy billionaire. When they arrived in his bedroom, Epstein would "remove his towel, lay down naked on the massage table, and direct the girl to remove her clothes. He then would perform one or more lewd, lascivious and sexual acts, including masturbation and touching the girl's vagina with a vibrator." Then he would pay them. Don't worry, Epstein fans: Page Six has been on top of this story since well before day one and they already peremptorily attacked the credibility of any girl anywhere who might eventually come forward with similar stories. [Radar]