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We're not entirely sure when the AP started running ridiculous-sounding quotes taken from Celebrity Hearsay Wire Service WENN, but we'll just have to assume all the fact-checking legwork has been done on this particular tale of celebutard altruism in the widely ignored realm of animal substance abuse. In Tokyo, where she was judging a local beauty pageant, Paris Hilton allegedly made the following statement in response to a story about wild Indian pachyderms having gone on a rice-beer-fueled rampage:

Update/story murder after the jump!

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

"There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad."

While Hilton's concern for the welfare of sauced elephants will undoubtedly be held up to ridicule by a mean-spirited press, we'd like to remind those who'd quickly dismiss her latest awareness-raising efforts that she comes at this from a deeply personal place: Having experienced first-hand the ravishing effects of kinkajou heroin addiction, nursing a track-mark-ridden Baby Luv with a warm bottle of methadone, we think Paris has more than earned the right to speak out on this particular issue.

UPDATE: The AP has killed the story.