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As if the grief of this week weren't already about to swallow our heavy hearts whole, People rocks our world by demolishing our last shred of hope that good might eventually triumph. Charlize Theron, who so courageously uglied herself up to win an Oscar, is now reportedly locked in the jaws of an even more terrible monster: Howie Mandel. A poisonous, soul-destroying addiction to the Deal or no Deal video game has reduced Theron to hiding in her trailer, feverishly playing with faux-Howie, waving off director Paul Haggis's questions about a scene, and wantonly ignoring his unwelcome pleas for her to take the money and run.

And while we sympathize with shushing Haggis — even if it is in favor of waiting on tenterhooks for the banker's latest saucy gambit — somebody needs to deliver her a gentle fist-bump back into reality before Ms. Theron's foolhardy obsession totally consumes her, and she refuses to be seen in public without a bald cap and a soul patch. No deal, Charlize. No deal.