Utter nuttiness in the Voice today concerning Dr. Brad Jacobs, the Upper East Side plastic surgeon who's been accused of everything from purposely giving patients outsize boob jobs to smoking crystal meth with a patient, having sex with her while she was recovering from a nosejob and "deforming her face." Gross. So what's Dr. Brad got to say in his own defense? Well, it's 2007, so he's got an open letter up on a website. It's kind of a Crap Email From A Dude!

Dear Patients,

I'm sure by now you've heard the horrendous and hurtful allegations which have been leveled against me as reported in the press. Rest assured, these accusations are false and I plan to defend against them vigorously to clear my name and professional reputation. I am disheartened and appalled at the way in which the press and media have been manipulated by a few disgruntled individuals who are attempting to advance their own economic agendas. I am confident that upon the completion of the legal process, I will be able to return to my practice and care for the many patients whose trust and respect I have earned over the years. I appreciate the countless well wishes I have received, and I am eager to return to my practice as soon as possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me.


Brad J. Jacobs

The best part is how he writes like a seventh-grader trying to pad an essay to a required word count: "horrendous and hurtful," "disheartened and appalled," "trust and respect" —oh, and our favorite, "the press and media." Redundant and redundant! But actually, maybe the best part is "Fondly." (Particularly since it evokes "fondling.") Seriously, the only signoff more dickish is maybe "Yours."