We were directed to this classic piece from Men's Health that describes the ten ways women judge prospective suitors.
"So much subliminal information is conveyed in those first seconds of contact," says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and psychology instructor at Harvard medical school. Okay, so you're on the clock. Make every second count.
Too true. But how does this advice relate to your lifehammer? We asked our resident sexual expert to see if this advice applied for the members of his tribe. Okay, so you're on the cock. Make every second count.
Did He Dress Well for the Date?
"This is an excellent point. You always want to look presentable for the first big reveal. I generally have a trim and a polish. If I'm feeling particularly sporty I'll put on a blazer and khakis, but just a normal button-down shirt - provided you leave yourself some room to breathe near the head - is enough to show that special lady that you're the kind of cock who is well-groomed and stylish. Take my advice, fellas, save the "Suck me raw" tee for the third date."
Is He Depressed?
"No woman likes to see a sad, droopy cock. Nor does she want to hear about how your Balls never loved you when you were growing up. Save the whining for the masturbation session that will occur after the date when you're still wanting more."
Is He Like My Ex?
"A difficult one. As Cocks, we're all unique, but we all share some of the same similarities, wants, and needs. Women are very attuned to this, so it's important to pretend that you're not into anal like that last guy until it's too late."
Is He Bitter About Past Relationships?
"No matter how many STDs you have, don't mention them. She'll find out soon enough."
Can He Talk About Himself and Listen to Me?
"The hardest thing for a Cock to do is stand at attention while she's gabbing on nervously about what happened that day at work. Prepare yourself in advance by picking up a copy of Maxim or some other softcore porn publication and memorizing the good parts, if you know what I mean. That way you can look interested the whole time. As for your end of the conversation? Just the occasional, 'Hey, Cock here," should do it."
Is He Generous?
"Baby, I will be generous all night. You know, assuming those blue pills come through."
Does He Make Me Feel Understood and Appreciated?
"Baby, I will make you feel understood and appreciated all night. Unless, you know, you don't get off by the time I'm ready to go. Because that I will not understand. Or appreciate it. It's your orgasm too, right? Work with me."
Is He Open to a Relationship but Not Needy?
"I am open to anything. And maybe I can be a little needy. NEEDY FOR BLOWJOBS. Other than that, I'm a prince."
Does He Keep Promises?
"Well, the promises we make as Cocks are pretty easy to keep. Barring massive drunkeness."
Does He Have the Potential to be a Good Father?
"Lady, you just totally lost me. I am out of here. Blowjob for the road? No? Damn."