Every darn week, the New York Times Weddings and Celebrations section reminds you that you're either not nuptialed or not nuptialed well enough. So each week Intern Alexis helps us pay ironic or sincere tribute to the victors of the game of love!

It looks like those wacky knuckleheads from the State Department got to Sunday Styles before we did! The wedding announcement for the winning couple (Rebecca Ingber: a legal counsel at the State Department; Anton Metlitsky: Soon-to-be clerk for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts) are nowhere to be found online, and somebody "disappeared" the Styles section from Gawker HQ. Coincidence? In any case, this lack of proof that the couple exists disqualifies them. Sorry Ingber-Metliskys!

So this means that the Altarcations crown goes to super-WASP couple Emily Johnston and Matthew Adler (who would have been WASPier if Matthew weren't a Jew)! The couple were married at a house in Old Lyme, CT, built for an ancestor of the bride, Matthew Griswold, who was the governor of the state in the 1700s AND ol' Emily's a descendent of a signer of the Declaration of Independence (one of two this week!). But now they don't need that independence—it's a life of fidelity and partnership for them!

The would-be victors: Rebecca Ingber, Anton Metlisky

Couple met at Harvard Law School: +7
She graduated cum laude; he magna cum laude: +3
She graduated cum laude from Yale: +3
Rebecca works as a lawyer in the State Department: +2
Her father is a partner in the law firm Ingber & Ingber: +2
Anton is to become a clerk to John G. Roberts Jr.: +2
He graduated summa cum laude from Penn: +4

Total: 23

The real winners: Emily Johnston, Matthew Adler

Couple married at a house in Old Lyme, CT, that was built for an ancestor of the bride, Matthew Griswold, who was the governor of Connecticut from 1784-1786: +4
Emily graduated from U Mich cum laude: +1
Emily's father retired as an engineer; her mother was a preschool teacher: +3
Emily is also a descendent of Oliver Wolcott, a signer of the Declaration of Independence, who served as governor of CT from 1796-1797: +5
Matthew works for a company of which is father is the president: +2

Total: 15

Runners-up: Elizabeth Stewart, Andrew Cohen

Elizabeth's parents are both "of Riverside, Connecticut": +1
Andrew Cohen's parents are "of New York": +1
Couple married at the weekend house of the bridegroom's mother in Water Mill, N.Y.: +2
She has an MBA from City University London: +1
He, from Columbia: +2
Andrew is an i-banker: +1
Elizabeth's father is a senior vice president for aviation services at General Electric; her mother is a preschool teacher: +3
Andrew works for an investment management firm of which his father is the president: +2

Total: 13

Second runners-up: Laura Worth, Phillip Ingle

Laura's parents are "of New York": +1
Laura "until last month" taught at St. Bernard's; Phillip is an I-banker: +3
Laura is a direct descendent of Carter Braxton, a signer of the Declaration of Independence: +5
And a descendent of Chief Justice John Marshall, who presided over the Supreme Court from 1801-1835: +3

Total: 12

Also-rans: Alexandra Flood, Samuel Alcoff

Bride is a second grade teacher at Hewitt; Bridegroom is a director of a hedge fund: +3
Alexandra received a MA in education from NYU: +1
Her parents are "of Washington, CT": +1
Samuel graduated from UPenn: +1
He received a law degree from Villanova: +1
The couple met at the International Debutante Ball at the Waldorf-Astoria where the bride was presented in 1995: +3
Samuel proposed to Alexandra last year at — "where else" — the ball. "I couldn't think of a more interesting place than the ballroom of the Waldorf while the big event was going on," he said.: +1

Total: 11

Our patented rating system:

Investment banker: +1
Both Investment bankers: +3
Management Consultant: +2
Both management consultants: +5
Trader: +2
Both traders: +5
Corporate lawyer: +2
Both corporate lawyers: +5
Plain lawyer: +1
Clerk for federal judge: 1
Clerk for Supreme Court Justice: +2
Works for Defense Department: +2
Doctor: +2
Both doctors: +5
Teacher at a New York City or Connecticut private school: 2
Parents from New York City or wealthy suburb in Connecticut: 1
New York Times employee: +1
State Department employee: +2
Bride is an elementary school teacher: +1
Works in media: +1
Ivy league graduate: +1 *
Both ivy league graduates: +3
Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: +2*
Both Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: +5*
For each subsequent degree after a B.A.: +1
Ivy league B.A. with graduate degree at low-ranking local
college/university: -1
If bride or groom attended/teach at any school with "Country Day" in
the name: +2
Coro fellow at NYU Law: +1
Has MFA in creative writing from University of Iowa: +1
Graduated Cum Laude: +1
Graduated Magna Cum Laude: +2
Graduated Summa Cum Laude: +3
Fulbright fellow: +2
Rhodes scholar: +3
Couple met online: -1
Couple met at art opening: 2
Couple met at art opening for husband's/wife's show: +3
Woman is at ideal age for getting married (25): 1
Man is at ideal age for getting married (27): 1
For each member of couple over 35: -1
Couple married by a Cantor: +1
Couple met during or before their freshman year in college: +2
Bride or groom goes by middle name: +1
Mother a nursery school/kindergarten teacher or reading
specialist/father is a wealthy professional: +3
If the groom is Jewish and the bride Asian: +2
If the groom is Asian and the bride is Jewish: -1
Bride and groom share a last name before getting married: +2
The bride/bridegroom's first marriage ended in divorce: -2
Descendant/related to somebody famous: +3
Descendant of a President: +5
Descendant of a founding father/signer of the Declaration of Independence: +5
Groom wearing gingham in picture: +1
Parent is a trustee or board member of a company or organization: +1
per company/org
Parent is a member of the Bermuda parliament: +2
Bride or Groom is a board member of a company or organization: +1 per
Bride "is keeping her name", "will continue to use her name professionally": -1
If there is a Jr., II, III or IV in a name: +2
If there is a "von" in a last name: +2
Couple featured in "Vows" column: +2
Bride or groom's first name is a made-up preppy name: +3
If someone famous comes to the wedding and is mentioned: +2
If wedding ceremony held at Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, and/or
reception under a tent at the bride's grandmother's house in P.B: +2
Bride clearly quits her job after the wedding: +1
Married by an Episcopal priest: +1
Groom is 15-30 years older than bride: +3
Bride and groom both from New Jersey: -2
Partner in corporate law firm: +3
Bridge teaches elementary school, groom in finance: +2
Bride works for auction house, groom in finance: +2
Bride/groom works for company founded by parents: +2
Bride/groom related to a socialite: +2
Bride/groom's father/mother works for a company bearing his/her last name: +2
Bride and groom's father/mother share a first name, plus initial: +4
Married at family's summer home: +2

*Apply to graduate school degrees in addition to B.A.s