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If you can't stomach reading through another Cary Tennis Salon advice column—and who can, they're ridiculous—we'll summarize today's. A gay writes a long-ass letter (all of Cary's correspondents write long-ass letters; the dude's audience appears to be comprised entirely of damaged hypergraphics) about a male co-worker who registers high on the gaydar but claims to be straight. BUT. He has told the gay that the gay has pretty eyes. What does it all mean? Should the gay see if the "straight" is actually bendy? Cary answers with some bizarre rambling advice that includes an imagined dialogue between "Gaydar Tower" and "tall dark handsome object," which makes us want to kill ourselves and doesn't really answer the question. So we checked in with our own (unsuspecting!) resident agony aunt.

BALK BTW: Choire, if I tell you you have pretty eyes does that make me a gay?
Choire Tennis: mmm no?
BALK BTW: Cary Tennis may feel differently, I can't tell.
Choire Tennis: god he's a dumb fucking whore.
BALK BTW: I mean, sometimes when we're in the office and I gaze over at Josh, his curly amber waves shining in the light from the window, I want to tell him he has gorgeous hair, but I worry that it might be taken the wrong way.
Choire Tennis: why wouldn't you.
Choire Tennis: worry, i mean.
BALK BTW: I guess in our heteronormative society there's some kind of taboo against it.
Choire Tennis: umm the gay talks about "INTERFACIAL" relationships between ugly-pretty gays? Does he know what words mean?
BALK BTW: Have you gotten to the dialogue yet?
Choire Tennis: i'm upset.
BALK BTW: I don't know how to feel. That hat conveys so much authority.

Oh, who cares what society says? Josh, you have lovely locks. They glow. I'm staring at them right now. But it's cool, I'm not into dudes. Okay? Great.

Do you have to be gay to tell another guy his eyes are pretty? [Salon]