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Instead of merely regurgitating this weekend's escalating war of words between First Widow Candy Spelling—who has found a late-in-life calling penning epistolary diatribes directed squarely at Hollywood's high profile, reckless youth—and fallen flashcore mogul Joe Francis (quick recap: Candy: "You're a boy gone wild!" Joe: "You're a crazy cat lady!"), we thought we'd turn to one of the web's leading opinion-havers on celebrity matters of little-to-no import—Bravo's blogging executive wunderkind, Andy Cohen:

Open letters are all the rage. Candy Spelling has written several (to Paris Hilton and Joe Frances [sic]) and posted them on I feel the time has come for Candy, our nation's conscience, to retire to her wrapping room with a bottle of pinot and write one to Amy Fisher.

I was at CBS when the story was white hot...I was assigned the plum Buttafuoco-beat for the morning show and spent quality time in Mary Jo's living room as she showed me x-rays of her head. Later that wonderful Massapequa morning, I stopped to get my driver's license photo taken at a Long Island DMV. I still have the same photo (with early-90's ponytail, oy vey) and I think of Mary Jo fondly every time I whip out my driver's license. I was always on team-Mary Jo. [...]

I actually don't think sicking [sic] Candy Spelling on her is bad enough punishment...Candy, please put pen to paper. Your words might give us strength at our time of need.

It's rare that one feels palpable outrage from the affable Andy, who chooses his battles wisely, such as the time he called for Jessica Simpson's deployment to Iraq, because "she sucks." However, having once donned a ponytail and personally provided early 90s, touchy-feely advice to the innocent victim of the L.I. Lolita scandal ("I want you to reach deep within you, Mary Jo, to find the inner child who wasn't shot in the head at point blank range by her husband's teenage lover, leaving her incapacitated in a wheelchair..."), we can easily see how Andy felt compelled to angrily address the sociopathic famewhores' rekindled romance, by openly nominating Candy Spelling to write something on the topic.