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Throughout Paris Hilton's recent travails, it often occurred to us that all the convicted socialite might really need is a just swift kick in the ass-goiter—preferably from a voice of experience who could sympathize with a life steeped in nearly unfathomable Hollywood affluence. We speak, of course, of Candy Spelling, whose fully authenticated open letter to the embattled heiress was posted yesterday by, having now expanded their mandate to include soapbox services for bored celebrity widows:

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you. [...]

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Tough-loving words, no doubt, but Paris would do well to heed them, as Spelling has successfully raised two formidable community activists (only 50% of whom recently waged war with her on a series of Us Weekly covers). And while some may argue that she may have risked diluting her message by choosing the internet's leading drunk-celebrity-asshole surveillance network as the medium by which to broadcast it, we'd argue otherwise: The blossoming TMZ and Candy partnership (she previously weighed in with some insane, hair-related advice for Larry Birkhead) is a universally beneficial arrangement, providing Spelling with an afternoon-killing activity, TMZ with some exclusive content, and the addressee the sage advice of a woman who has just spent the last three decades locked inside a rubber-padded giftwrapping room.