Turns out that guineas all over the country are mobbing up to donate to the campaign of America's Cousinfucker, Rudy Giuliani. That's right: This morning's Post reports that Eye-ties across the nation are so excited by the prospect that someone with a vowel on the end of his name might be president (yes, yes, Millard Fillmore, give us a break) that they're taking time away from their busy schedule of wifebeating and "sanitation" work to drop money into the Giuliani coffers. Still, we found the Post's lead—"Rudy Giuliani for president. That's amore!"—to be lacking in whatever the wop version of je ne sais quoi is. Herewith our suggestions; probably you can do better.

  • Wop-bop-a-loo-bob, ba-wop-bam-boom! Here's some cash!
  • How'd your day go, dago? If you're Rudy Giuliani, pretty well!
  • That's a spicy meatball. Meatball of money.
  • Rudy Giuliani woke up this morning and he got himself a ton. Of money!
  • Ba-da-BING! Big wop gets big haul!
  • Leave the gun. Take the FEC's legal limit of $2300 per individual to donate to the Giuliani campaign.
    Previously: Rewriting The 'Daily News': Chocolate Jesus