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With the recent plagues of fire and ice sent down by annoyed local landowner God utterly failing to dislodge beach-hogging Malibu squatter David Geffen from his oceanside compound (His view was totally fucking ruined by Geffen's place), residents of the sleepy community now find themselves helpless against the whims of the mogul and the ten-figured pals who seek to slowly annex the entirety of The 'Bu. Yesterday's NY Times discussed Geffen and "software giant" Larry Ellison's acquisitions of the Casa Malibu Inn and Malibu Beach Inn, respectively, which they plan on transforming into the kind of places in which the merely wealthy might feel uncomfortable:

"The word gentrification is used when wealthy people move into a new neighborhood and fix it up," said Richard Riordan, the former Los Angeles mayor whose mansion on Carbon Beach is steps away from the weekend homes of Terry Semel, the chief executive of Yahoo, and Jeffrey Katzenberg, a movie executive and a friend of Mr. Geffen's. "But when it is billionaires taking over from multimillionaires, I'm not sure what you call that."


Friends of Mr. Geffen and Mr. Ellison said that each man wanted to create a resort they might frequent themselves, in a seaside colony that was the birthplace of California surf culture and more recently has been a weekend retreat for Hollywood power brokers. Twenty-five miles from Beverly Hills, moguls stroll the white sand along Carbon Beach and sometimes gather at "Dealmakers' Rock," an outcropping where movie deals are said to have been made.

The horrors of a supergentrified Malibu are almost too unspeakable to contemplate: stretched to their financial limits of skyrocketing housing costs, poorer millionaires will be forced to pick up side work swabbing the deck on Geffen and Ellison's shared yacht, bussing the billionaires' tables at their new resorts, or quietly assassinating interlopers strolling along the semipublic stretch of Carbon Beach Geffen pretended to concede to the Coastal Commission back in February. Faced with such myriad indignities, industry social climbers may decide to abandon Malibu entirely, ceding total control of the area to the merciless robber barons who seek to use their addiction to the uncut white sands to enslave them.