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If this were Star, we'd have to call this a 'Celebrity Dream Item,' because it's a little bit pricey — $50,000! But after you hear what it is, we think you'll agree that the special STD-free natural born female in your life is SO worth it.

Controversial — okay, loooney tunes — Buffalo 66 and Brown Bunny auteur and world's most unlikely Republican Vincent Gallo is no stranger to selling his body — after all, that's how he got by during his first years in gritty, Basquiat-era NYC, according to his personal legend. But these days, he's selling it for a lot more money, and via his website. We think the most striking aspect of Gallo's pitch is how well he understands his consumer:

When I was very young I was madly in love with Tuesday Weld and Charlotte Rampling . . . so believe me, I know and understand what it's like to wish and dream about spending time with a movie star. Doing things that couples do. Couples in love. At least couples where the guy is hot and knows how to handle a chick.

That's why, for the low-when-you-think-about-it aforementioned price, your giftee will be able to revel in the joys of being "escorted" by Gallo for one magical evening. He just has a few rules, and one important warning:

I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female. The fee covers one evening with Vincent Gallo. For those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fee is increased to a mere $100,000. Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing. I am willing to travel worldwide to accommodate clients. However, travel days are billed at $50,000 per plus all premium flight fees. Scanning for STD's is required as is bathing and grooming prior to our encounter. Detailed photos of potential clients also required prior. An extra fee for security to protect me is charged on top of the fantasy fee. Security fees will vary depending on the details of an encounter and how much security I will need. Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled breakfast!

[vgmerchandise via The Onion]