The NY Daily News' Ben "Gatecrasher" Widdcombe helps us kick off this Black Friday by directing us to the online auction of a letter that corpulent screen legend Marlon Brando dashed off to a young Charlie Sheen, expressing his regret over missing the younger actor's 26th "birthday bash." Brando's disarmingly poetic words of apology follow:
"I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powdered East Indian vulva-maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same. I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel shitty and best stay in bed. I don't have much of a selection. I'm sure it will be a kick in the ass and I hate to miss it-Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie. Love Marlon"
If Sheen himself is behind the auction, we have to assume he's not doing it for the $1,000 reserve price; after all, he's pocketing $350,000 per episode to mumble feeble sitcom punchlines in Jon Cryer's direction in between catnaps. Ridding himself of the letter must be part of one of the various 12-step programs the troubled actor has completed over the years, an attempt to remove a painful reminder of crippling addictions to two substances he suddenly developed in his 26th year, which often resulted in Sheen awakening in the middle of the day, reeking of sled dog urine and with his face caked in powdered vulva, to find that the five pom-pom-wielding cheerleaders he'd hired to service him while in the throes of these new, exotic demons had absconded with his wallet.