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Big brother Kotaku's got a whole team at the E3 gaming mega-fest this week, but Valleywag, like any good tech outlet, outsourced its reporting to cheaper, less hygenic laborers. Valleywag friend ConFonz turns in another stellar report, the first of his missives from this love-in of gamers, game makers, and the boring dudes in between.

Here is the ConFonz's first E3 post, live from the Wired party at 1201 5th St. Robin Williams munches on his own mouth like an old man who's lost his dentures.

So E3 has started up once again. Outside, the Army stands watch, handing out CDs of its recruitment game via robotic mine-defusing/machinegunning-but-now-armed-only-with-an-arm. Funny,
though, the armymen onhand at the show were wearing significantly more bodyarmor than their counterparts over in Iraq. (Hmmmmmm. Confonz waxesWonkette.)

After the jump, vital booth babe news.

So, the show, the first for the Confonz since 2001, has utterly solidified the notion that Sony is completely fucked. In the ass. Nintendo had to fend off people with a stick. Microsoft was its standard oblivious, so wildly flush with cash that it could care less who anyone in its booth was, save for the reps from Wal-Mart. But Sony was friendly, accomodating, positivly desperate for good press.

So, elsewhere on the floor, it's getting hard to differentiate between the really cool, the amazing, and the groundbreaking. Bioshock, Hellgate, Spore, Darkness, Alone In the Dark, Gears of War, Jesus
fucking Christ! Which one to spunk over? Tough choice!

So, the booth babes were not gone. They were toned down a bit. Why? Wal-Mart. They demanded it, and they got it.

New phrase! Proceedural mating! Thanks Will, sorry we called you out for not washing yer hands.