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• Following in Mel Gibson's footsteps, Vin Diesel says he'd really, really love to do a three-part epic based on the life of Hannibal. Featuring men in togas and sandals. In the ancient language of Punic. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing to have ever come out of Vin's mouth — aside from the time he went on TV to say he was straight, that is. [The Scoop]
• Turns out it was Tom Cruise who forced Comedy Central to cancel plans to re-air the South Park episode that takes shots at Scientology. America's most favorite OT-VII threatened to skip the publicity circuit for MI:3 if the network went ahead with the broadcast. We should be so lucky. [Page Six]
• Just how generous is Kevin Federine? He chopped off 10 inches of his precious hair to send to Locks of Love! Now do you see what Britney sees? [Lowdown]
• Paris has been dating Stavros Niarchos for, like, three decades — well, in Paris years anyway. Which means it might just be time for some fresh meat. Rich sports stars and Eurotrash: Watch your backs. [Page Six]
• Ron Perelman has selected an appropriate Ellen Barkin replacement: editor Kelly Killoren Bensimon. If history is any judge, she'll get royally screwed over sometime in early 2010 but at least she'll get lots of free shit from Revlon until then. [Page Six]