With a jackpot hitting upwards of $1.5 billion, tonight’s Powerball drawing is the single biggest jackpot ever to grace these United States. And considering the stock market is going to shit, we could all use a little extra cash. Too bad we won’t be getting it!

This evening, there is a one in 292.2 million chance that you’ll be holding those lucky, life-changing numbers (maybe a little lower for Jeb). But odds that small can be hard to wrap your head around. So to help you see just how screwed you really are, we’ve rounded up a bit of context for you.

Here’s a list things more likely to happen to you than waking up tomorrow filthy rich:

Flying with a drunk pilot: 117-to-1

Dying a virgin: 320-to-1

Being deemed possessed by Satan: 7,000-to-1

Winning an Academy Award: 11,500-to-1

Suffocating in bed: 2,000,000-to-1

Dying from coming into contact with hot tap water: 5,000,000-to-1

Dying from using a right-handed product when you’re actually left-handed: 7,000,000-to-1

Killed by the leaked radiation from a nearby nuclear power plant: 10,000,000-to-1

Having identical quadruplets: 15,000,000-to-1

Being canonized by the Catholic Church: 20,000,000-to-1

Being burned to death by your pajamas spontaneously combusting: 20,000,000-to-1

Being crushed to death by a vending machine: 112,000,000-to-1

So good luck tonight, kids—not that it’ll do you any good.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.