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In today's "why the hell aren't these people spending their summer on an island?" episode: Justin Timberlake; Melanie Griffith; Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen; Adam Sandler; Brett Ratner and Reese Witherspoon; Reese Witherspoon; Uma Thurman; Marisa Tomei, Jessica Alba, Simon Rex, and Wilmer Valderrama; Britney Spears; Hayden Christensen and Britney Spears; Seth Green; Djimon Hounsou and Mary-Kate Olsen; Christina Ricci, Adam Goldberg, and Alfonso Ribiero; James van der Beek and Holly Marie Combs; Andre Agassi, Steffi Graf, and Lauren Bacall; John Voight and Randy Travis; Freddie Prinze Jr; Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey; Nicole Richie, an Olsen, Jim Jarmusch, and Doris Roberts; Kevin Connolly and Nicky Hilton; Sean Hayes and Max Mutchnick; Nicholas Brendon; Mitzi Shore and Melrose Larry Green; John Francis Daley; Lori Petty and Billy Zane; Fred Durst; Rutger Hauer; Joey Slotnick; Antonio Sabato Jr; Diane "Gulager's Girlfriend" Goldner; Deborah Pollack.

· Caught a glimpse of Britney-deflowerer Justin Timberlake as he got into his limo at the Zankou Chicken on Sunset. I walked in past the limo (it was blocking part of the lot, so I parked across the street) and was at first totally distracted by the older Armenian woman in a sarong who cut in front of me to get change for a five, then realized that the heavily-eyelinered Armenian girl behind the counter was clearly on the verge of hysteria, being that she had apparently been rendered unable to effectively bag all the chicken orders and bowls of tabbouleh that were starting to pile up. Finally glanced over to see Justin himself ducking out of the restaurant and into the waiting limo. Hysterical Eyeliner Girl (who also seemed new to the job; I've never seen her before) actually sat down and started hyperventilating, saying giddily, "oh my god, Justin winked at me — but he was totally drunk, right???" Finally got my chicken; it was uncharacteristically dry.

· So, I'm driving down Rossmore on Thursday night admiring the fancy houses in Hancock Park when I see a blonde woman with big red lips and big black sunglasses in the mirror of the black Jaguar in front of me. I started thinking, hmmm...I wonder if that's Melanie Griffith? It looked kind of like her, but then again, a lot of women in L.A. look kind of like that. So, I offhandedly look at the car and notice the license plate which read, "MG (heart symbol) AB". I'm being totally serious. So, that ended that dilemna for me and anyone else who bothers to look at her "vanity" plates—and I think vanity couldn't be more appropriate here.

· this past Saturday, I saw Leonardo and his girlfriend Gisele Bundchen, coming out of Country Kitchen on PCH. They drove off in a silver Prius! They both had shades on and were wearing shorts and she had a shirt or jacket tied around her waist. I took a photo on my Nokia but all I captured was a blur.

· 7/24 @ 7:30pm...random, I know, but Adam Sandler was shootin' hoops on the basketball court at the LA Fitness on La Cienega.

· saw hackmeister Brett Ratner at the AMC Century City yesterday (Sunday 7/24). i was there to see "The Island", i'm ashamed to admit. don't know what Brett was there to see but he was with his parents; they were literally hanging all over him as if the stench of success would rub off on them too. hey, i'm close to my parents and all but the three of us don't walk with our arms wrapped around each other! He's not nearly as fat in person as defamer pics would have as believe — but he's not lean-n-mean, either, but any stretch of the imagination. i just wanted to pull him aside and say, "please don't fuck up X3" but in a totally supportive way. oh yeah, Reese Witherspoon was there, too. Not inside the theatre but downstairs.

· Someone needs to tell Reese Witherspoon that white people can't wear orange. I can barely wear orange and I'm now unintentionally Jonathan Antin football brown. The dowdy orange peasant dress she rocked made her makeupless face look pink...very she had some strange rash or something. She was very short, in flip-flops and the dress made her look wide, not thin and cute like in all the pictures. She was rummaging through the clearance rack on the 3rd floor at Saks and I had to hope as I walked away, that she would not buy the pylon orange and hot pink shirts that were marked down from $1100 to $310.

· We saw Uma Thurman and her boyfriend (the guy that owns hotels) last night (7/23) coming out of the Arc Light movie theater in Hollywood. Uma is much more gorgeous in person and very tall...she looks like a model, wearing all white with gold sandals. They seemed really happy together and left in a silver Mercedes.

· Oh my goodness, last night was a celeb sighting feast! last night at the club opening for icandy everyone who's anyone (or on the c-list) was there. however, the only woman i've ever loved, Marisa Tomei, was there looking super-cute in shorts and stilletos - Jessica Alba was there as well (with something stuck up her butt, and i dont mean her boyfried Cash Warren). She was giving out the evil eye like she was better than everyone there...and maybe she is, but hold the attitude please. Simon Rex (of Scary Movie 3 fame & much hotter in person) was surrounded by women - I was surprised he didn't hit on that plain-jane (really cute, but nothing that special) teenage girl I've seen at every club with every male celebrity (including on the street with Vincent Gallo)...I dont get the appeal, but it must be because she's skinny, tall, and looks about 12. This time she was on the arm of (major step down) Ryan Merriman (of Ring 2 and luck of the Irish fame), they were chatting it up in the VIP section in between Tomei's booth and Wilmer Valdermera's booth (who is like stalking me too) he was with his boys in tow (one NBA guy, but I dont watch sports)...he was wearing a fedora (to add height), and acts a little gay (trust me, this is not wishful thinking). When he left, the paparzzi actually asked for his autograph...I can understand a photo, but doesn't an autograph require talent to actually be worth something? Tomei patiently waited in the wings the photogs to leave, and I got a chance to tell her how hot she is. She is really a sweetheart and a fabulous dresser.

· Our Saturday night sighting of Britney Spears at Geisha House raised a number of questions. Why would a pregnant "not a girl" put her Federletus in harm's way by sitting in the smoky patio area rather than indoors? Doesn't she know sushi and pregnancy don't mix? Why was she out after midnite? Couldn't she at least hang out somewhere with a doorman? And, most importantly, why were we robbed of a K-Feds sighting?

· Was at a wrap party for an upcoming movie at the roosevelt on riday (the 22nd) and hayden christensen was the only a (b?) lister there. Then went to geisha house where britney spears stopped me to compliment my adorable outfit.... She looked super cute in a fedora, flowy white top, long skirt, blonde hair in pony tail. She's a nice girl, I'm telling yall.

· Last Friday night at the Gibson Amp I had the pleasure of seeing Beck perform whilst in the company of Mini-Me. Okay, it wasn’t the little, little dude who stands eighteen inches tall. It’s the other little, little dude who stands 4’10” or my balls aren’t sagging. Not Mike Meyers....I’m talkin’ Seth Green. Holy Shit that dude is little. I’m taller than the average person (6’5” thank you very much) but I swear if he had a flat head and no teeth I’d marry him. I have cereal boxes bigger than him! Moving along, the highlight was watching him getting’ playa-hated (i.e. hassled) by the security nazi because Seth was being pushed into the aisle by the throng of ne’er-do-wells who illegally shoved their way into his row. Weighing only 74 pounds, he was obviously no match and had to stand in the aisle. Frodo...I mean Seth...desperately pleaded his case, but by this point I lost interest and got back to shouting “two turn tables and a microphone!” at the Beckster. When I looked back, Seth was gone. No doubt crying his eyes out at home...on his tiny little pillow.

· I was in Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night (July 25) for my birthday and I saw wonderful actor Djimon Hounsou with female companion (not sure if it was a date) eating at the sushi bar. He was wearing a very unlikely post-trend trucker hat...very casual. Made eye contact, but chickened out from saying the usual "You're so great" ass-kissing sentiment. I also saw a red-cloaked Mary-Kate Olsen with her much taller, floppy-haired man. She went to the bathroom multiple times, one of which, found me witnessing her leave the stall and jet out of the bathroom sans washing her hands. That multi-millionaire waif needs to get her wash on too, she looks like a bag lady!

· Who knew flying from LA to Chicago and back could be so entertaining? Last week, I arrived at LAX at an ungodly hour and beat Carlton (aka Alfonso Ribeiro) to the curbside check-in booth. I considered letting him go first if he would dance for it, but didn't. He ended up on my flight, surrounded by his own little entourage of a publicist-looking person and three white, Forever 21-clad girls who seriously could not have been older than 17, which was beyond skeevy. They all sat in coach, to the surprise of us fellow coach-riding plebeians. Five days later, on my return flight to LA, I spotted a 10-year-old-boy-shaped Christina Ricci with that all-wrong Lohan-esque blond hair and her can't-decide-if-he's-hot-or-not-but-he-sure-is- talented boyfriend Adam Goldberg. Films apparently pay better than syndication, because unlike Carlton, they sat grumpily in first, but not together. They each took a window seat across the aisle from one another and looked so pissed, not sure if it was at each other, or at the fact that our flight left almost two hours late.

· Okay, I know the WB isn't one of the "big three" networks, but clearly they need to start upping star salaries, because I saw not one, but TWO of the Frog's (oh, I know, they killed the Frog, but what are we supposed to call it now, the Weeb?) more prominent names in decidedly downmarket Valley locations. I weep for them, really I do. First, it was "Charmed"'s Holly Marie Combs with her husband and little kid at the Woodland Hills Poquito Mas. Not a lick of make-up, which actually seemed to make her mouth entirely disappear. Granted Poquito Mas is not a fast food establishment, because the menu tells you straight up that "it's not fast food, just fresh food made as fast as we can," but still, not exactly the Ivy. She wasn't even stuffing down her burrito at the higher visibility Studio City location, but out in the far 'burbs, next to a Holiday Inn. Apparently, as the crazy ass far right will tell you, witchcraft really doesn't pay. Then, there's our favorite high-foreheaded star of seasons past, "Dawson" himself, James van der Beek. At the Canoga Park Costco, hiding under a hat and a scraggly beard, stocking up on many bottles of Veuve Clicquot and Ketel One. I'd like to say it looked like he was planning a party, but I'd rather imagine him at home, watching Katie and Tom rolling all over each other on The Insider while drinking himself into a stupor, muttering, "Joey, my Joey" over and over again.

· So, last week I was chilling at the Hotel Bel-Air and who comes strutting by the pool with their two kids? Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. They were in full tennis togs (also saw them days later, still in tennis togs.... do they ever wear civilian clothes?). Anyway, they were with their two cute kids who kept whining to their Nanny about how they "didn't want to go to the tennis court again!". She reassured them that it would be fine and delicious as they "have the best ice cubes there." I kid you not - that is what she said. Ice cubes must be quite the delicacy around the Agassi household. Also ran into Lauren Bacall there. She wore the same terrycloth jump suit the whole 3 or 4 days I saw her. But, she's fabulous.

· Sunday 7/24 I was in Koo Koo Roo on Beverly Drive picking up dinner and who should I see but Randy Travis picking up some take out also. If that's not random enough, Jon Voight walked in to meet up with him and they continued the conversation to a chauffeur driven town car parked out side.

· Saw Buffy-banging, Wirtschafter-threatening Freddie Prinze Jr. at Asanebo in Studio City last night (7/21). He's there literally every time I go. He was with a betrucker-hatted friend. FPJ was wearing sort of a weird outfit, kind of like how a friend of mine in high school used to dress when he was trying to look "nice". Lavender short-sleeved collared shirt, jeans, and some decent-looking black shoes with white athletic socks. He was at the bar, I could see a bit of ass crack. Boy do I sound gay right now. He was there for a really long time, I kept seeing things going to him that had truffles on them and I was jealous. I think he ate my Uni, too, since in between the time I ordered and the time I was supposed to get it they ran out. I mean, who the fuck else would have stolen my Uni? He made a big scene when he left, waving from the front of the restaurant and shouting to each individual sushi chef. But they seemed to like it. I guess that's just how FPJ rolls.

· Yesterday (27th), I was walking behind Mischa Barton on Robertson putside Lisa Kline with her personal assistant. She was wearing plaid, cuffed shorts and flip flops and the soft breeze continued to reveal the tops of her extensions. She was bitching the entire time, and her assistant was lugging several shopping bags.

· Sunday night (7/24) at Dan Tana's. Dabney Coleman was in a booth with friends and Stan Lee was just a few tables away. Clearly not together, but my friend Mike prayed that their presence in the same room was a sign that a Marvel Comics-backed remake of "Cloak & Dagger" is in the works. Couldn't be worse than Fantastic Four.

· 2 items: Tuesday 7/19. Saw Cameron from Real World San Diego leaving Island's on Beverly...she could not possibly have consumed anything there, however, as she looked to weigh about 98 lbs. She was harrassed by some pre-teen Beverly Hills ruffians as she left. Friday 7/22. As I sat in my office reading this week's edition of PrivacyWatch, my boyfriend called to tell me he just ran into Nick and Jessica in Woodland Hills, en route from a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to a black hummer. He reports that Jessica, "still looks like a horse, but her body is amazing."

· We thought our stay at the Chateau Marmont was not going to live up to its celeb-rich reputation but on Wednesday night we saw Nicole Richie and an Olsen Twin (blonde, which one is that?) with a bunch of other expertly groomed young things getting into their cars in the hotel driveway. Then we went up to the lobby and Jim Jarmusch was checking in. But the big excitement of my trip (I'm a NY-er) was Doris Roberts eating Chinese food at Genghis Cohen on Sunday night!

· Went to the Angels-Yanks game tonight (7/21) and saw Kevin Connolly (known to all of the sub-40 fans in our area as "that guy on that thing on HBO... I think... maybe") and his woman, Nicky Hilton. Gave off a very cool, regular guy vibe. Chatted with other fans. Happily got his photo taken. Either Nicky is really into him or she's lower maintenance than I would have thought because they actually stayed until the end of the game.

· Saturday night I went to a birthday party downtown at Cafe Pinot for one of the contestants on David E. Kelley's presumably ill-fated foray into reality TV and as I made my way to the bar, I turned and came face to face with tv's favorite mincing queen, Sean Hayes. He was with Will and Grace co-creator, Max Munchdick er Mutchnick. From the way he flits about on the show, I didn't expect Sean to be as big as he is. He also had kind of a big butt. Not fat - just ample. Sean then had a little mini reunion with the director of his breakthough film "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss," Tommy O'Haver. I didn't get a chance to see what Sean was drinking, but I would have to
assume it was something fruity.

· Saw the drummer and singer for the Donnas, sittin' across from each other at some vegan restaurant on Sunset. Looking decidedly less ragged than when they were "teenage rock and roll machines" living in Palo Alto (or wherever the fuck they're from), and presumably less ragged than the Donna with a weight problem . Glowin' skin and soft waves in the hair. Remember that video of theirs that had a unicorn in it? The one that was played ad nauseum on VH1 Megahits for a time? Fuck the Donnas. Briskly walking by the Comedy Store Friday night, I had to be alerted to the presence of non-celebrities Mitzi Shore (owner of the Comedy Store, mother of Pauly "the Weasel" Shore) and Melrose Larry Green (occasional guest of the Howard Stern show, moron). Seemed to be some kind of event celebrating the existence of "Minding the Store", the Weasel's abysmal new TBS vehicle that will inevitably bomb. Mitzi
looks like hell - seems God's finally punishing her for shitting out Pauly. My boyfriend informed me he thinks she has cancer - just cancer? She should thank her lucky stars - in my book, she's getting off easy. Did you ever SEE Son-in-Law? Melrose Larry just looked like an asshole, chatting with similarly minded and attired assholes. Only now, reflecting on this sighting, do I realize how deeply troubling it is that my boyfriend knew what Mitzi Shore looked like.

· Saw Xander "Nicholas Brendon" Harris at the 24-hour Fitness by the Arclight on Saturday morning. Seems rehab's been good to him, as he didn't look like the bloated, drunken slob I saw six months ago all boozed-out and angry-lookin'. Of course, he does have a twin brother so who knows which one I saw. What? My ex was obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's not like I watched it every week after we broke up or anything.

· i saw john francis daley, sam weir from freaks and geeks, at the bank of america atm off pass ave. he is much taller these days (6 ft??), with the same baby face. i am still angry that show was cancelled!

· I saw Lori Petty at the Basquiat opening last Saturday night...she had on flowery pajama pants, an orange crinkly skirt and the world's largest gray sweater. She was dressed like a homeless person in grandma clothes, but that's not exactly a departure for her. Also saw Billy Zane who, surprisingly, looked kinda hot, and quite a few of those "hmm, i know you're some kind of efg-list celeb but I don't know your name" types. My friend swears she saw Mia Farrow there but I can't vouch for that as I was too busy trying to buy some goddamn drink tickets.

· This past Sunday afternoon at the Arclight we saw Limp Bizkit frontman, amateur cellphone pornographer, lone utilizer of the word "agreeance", and all-around doughy poseur Fred Durst entering the cafe with an Amazonian woman at his side. This was shortly before a screening of "The Island," so it's likely he was killing time until then, though he could have been there for that damn penguin movie. I hear he's also really into Errol Morris films.

· I was at Trader Vics in Beverly Hills last week, enjoying a pina colada with my business partner. We had settled into our second or third drink when, to our astonishment, who else but 80s sci-fi uber-megastar RUTGER HAUER sat down at the table next to us. He looked damn good for his age, although his clothes still looked distressingly 1980s in style: right down to a pair of black leather trousers and tank top. I offered him a drink and some of our chicken wings but, to my considerable chagrin, he completely ignored me. It's worth pointing
out that I've always been a massive fan of Rutger, ever since BLADE RUNNER and that crazy film where he has to escape from prison while wearing an explosive collar. He's a great and VERY underappreciated actor. Anyway, after a few minutes, I again insisted that he join us. I was ignored again, so I decided to ask him if he'd autograph the
Batman Begins t-shirt which I was planning to give my nephew later that day. He turned to me, his steely eyes locking with mine, and said calmly 'Please give me some peace, guys, it's been a long day.' Now I'm not one to harass someone, so we left him in peace, although SWEET JESUS I'm pleased I met him! I did, however, shoot him a wink on
my way out. Let me tell you, I've met a lot of BIG CELEBRITIES in my ime, but never an actor who I respect AND is also a superstar!!!!! [Ed.note—We don't even dare consider that our chain is being gently pulled.]

· Went to the (very excellent!) Beck concert on Saturday, but spotted just one, er, star: Joey
, late of 1995's "The Single Guy," who was sporting what seemed to be a backstage pass beneath
his huge head, so he might be cooler than we thought he was. But I doubt it.

· Was at the Autry Museum for the opening of a Sergio Leone exhibition. There were
several creative types like John Landis, though they were part of the program so I guess don't count. No aircraft jokes please. I did see Antonio Sabato Jr. ordering a drink at the bar, looking handsome and unpretentious. He moved into the crowd and I lost him amongst the "atmosphere" that at best looked like castaways from DEADWOOD. If you have your photo taken with a "cowboy", shouldn't he be hot?

· This may not count as a celebrity, but if you were one of the 3 other people who watched last season's PROJECT GREENLIGHT, you'll know who this is: I saw Gulager's girlfriend/wife DIANE jump starting her car in Silverlake today. I'm sure it was her because on the show, they live in Silverlake (with Gulager's wickedly awesome Dad) and it seems pretty typical to come outside in the morning and find your car battery dead. (Especially since Gulager and Dianne announced on the show they pretty much had already spent whatever money they made from PJ). She was wearing shorts and a tank top (since it is 195 degrees out today) and looked exactly how she looked on TV, short haircut and all. Hey, is FEAST ever coming out...??

· I was honored to spot Deborah Pollack (aka Long Duk Dong's sexy girlfriend Marlene from '16 Candles') at
the Rite-Aid on Riverside near Coldwater. She looked exactly the same as she does in the movie: hair in a
ponytail, wearing sweats and smiling just a little. She's kept herself perfectly preserved and she'stotally ready for the sequel.