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We're sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but... Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, they of MTV Newlyweds fame, have filed for divorce. Tour of Duty, indeed.

There, there. Here, have a kleenex. Get yourself together.

Listen, it's not like you didn't see this coming. The endless rumors, the Christmas at Rockefeller debacle, the omnipresence of Johnny Knoxville, the sneaking suspicion that Joe Simpson was closer to his daughters than legally appropriate... This announcement was long overdue. We know it hurts but, honestly, if Brad and Jen couldn't make it last, could anyone? Who's next, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

We now commence our three-week period of mourning; may our ritual bloodletting wash away the pain of innocence lost.

UPDATE, 7:00 - In the 30 minutes since I left the internet and took the train home, E! yanked the article. That's what I get for taking the JMZ. I've heard that perhaps E! simply fucked up (every entertainment news outlet surely has that report pre-written like an obit) but we'll see. In the meantime, pray with me for peace, love, and light in Nick and Jessica's lives.
UPDATE, 7:06 - A well placed source has found no legal documentation to suggest Nick and Jessica are heading towards heartbreak. Meanwhile, US has begun gloating with an exclusive denial from Jessica, who's also revealing her bikini body secrets in the next issue! Yay!
UPDATE, 7:12 - No new developments... Looks as if E! Online flushed the infotainment Qu'ran down the celebrity toilet on this one.

Jessica Simpson Goes Solo [E!]