A deeply evil reader just slipped us E!'s summer schedule (and we're pretty sure it's not an E! staffer looking for free publicity), and rather than bore you with the entire thing (suffice it to say that unpaid talking heads endlessly rehashing pop culture/celebrity news in a list format figures prominently), we'll strip it down to the "highlights."
[Note: All shows 100% real. We could not dream any of this up.]
Fight for Fame: Five "aspiring actors" (read: "remember to tip your servers!") are given one day to compete to be signed by a "major Hollywood talent agency."
Snap judgment: Grab your ankles [reading Olive Garden nametag], Timmy, because you're about to get your big break!
Cattle Drive: "Rodeo Drive meets Cattle Drive in this new series where celebrity offspring say goodbye to the Porsche and hello to a horse."
Snap judgment: Watch in horror as spoiled rich kids try to milk a horse! A male one! But male horses have penises, so the spoiled rich kids will actually be masturbating the horse, and they won't be having a good time because they've grown up in households where the help does all of the horse-masturbating! Note: This show is nothing like The Simple Life.
The Girls Next Door: "They're often blond, very ambitious and always beautiful. They're the young women who travel from towns and cities across America in hopes of sharing one man's incredible dream: life at the Playboy Mansion. This unique eight episode reality series takes viewers beyond the gates and behind closed doors to reveal the world of Hugh Hefner's mansion as it has never been seen before: through the eyes of the women who live, play – and, of course, party – with him."
Snap judgment: This is fucking awesome. E! should immediately cancel all other programming and switch to a 24-hour The Girls Next Door format.
Kill Reality: "Reality Stars: love 'em , hate 'em or want to kill 'em? Only E!'s new series, "Kill Reality," will let you do it all. This behind-the-scenes series captures the dramatic tension that arises when you give reality stars what they really want… the chance to ACT. It's about to get scary when the most notorious cast members from shows like "Survivor," "Joe Millionaire," "The Real World," "The Apprentice," and "The Amazing Race," star in New Line's upcoming horror flick "The Scorned." Our cast will have to work and live together. See if the real backstabbing begins when the director calls "Cut!" and the actors head home after grueling days on the set."
Snap judgment: Due to economies of scale in reality television production, it makes more financial sense to recycle onetime reality contestants who've outlived their usefulness to society into a new project, rather than incur the expense of more humane solutions like cremation or building a giant raft and setting them adrift into the Pacific.
Party @ The Palms: "'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.' But soon they'll be saying "What Happens in Vegas is only on E!." Party @ the Palms" offers an exclusive invitation to the sexiest party at Las Vegas's wildest hot spot, the Palms Casino Hotel. This show gives viewers a front row seat on the ultimate party train through the Palms from the poolside Skin Lounge to the rooftop Ghost Bar to the incredible Rain nightclub and everywhere in between. Only E! can bring you the sexually charged atmosphere of the party that never ends."
Snap judgment: The Maloof brothers have given E! programming executives comped rooms and bar tabs in exchange for a summer-long commercial for their casino properties.
What Hollywood Taught Us About Sex: "Do you really remember anything you learned in Sex Ed? Well, we didn't and that's why we enlisted host Jenny McCarthy to teach the Ultimate Hollywood Sex Ed Class. Jenny walks us through the movies and TV shows that have taught us just what sex is all about. Everything from "Happy Days" to "American Pie" has taught us the rules… it's no wonder we all got A's."
Snap judgment: Jenny McCarthy decides that further discussion of pie-fucking is preferable to starving to death.
An Hour-Long Special Dedicated to the Celebration of Everything Jennifer Aniston
Snap judgment: Kill us now.