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The author, second from left, and pre-op Jessica Simpson.

Vice magazine sobers up just long enough to reflect on Jessica Simpson, and what could have been (this is all one giant, grammatical sic, mind you):

[Jessica's] promotion was at a bar in Chicago, on the North side, at Green Dolphin Street, on Ashland. The Green Dolphin Street Bar and Grill. She sang a few songs. She did "I Want to Love You Forever." One of the songs I really wanted to hear was the one that went, "Do you ever love somebody " It was from Dawson's Creek. I would say that was 98. My favorite was James Van der Beek.

Then I got to speak with Jessica Simpson for a couple minutes. Some of the conversation I wanted to mention to her was the fact that someday I was going to meet her and her husband. I told her that I wanted to meet her husband if she ever got married. I was very spiritual that if she ever got married, that I would want to be her very first fan. Like that I would still be thinking about her and her family, and would be her number one fan.

This was before she became this ditzy bimbo that she is now.

A nose job and a poppy husband, sent straight from MTV, changes everything, doesn't it?

Jessica Simpson Is A Powderpuff [Vice]