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In case you've forgotten, today is "Fat Monday," Showtime's day-long Roman orgy celebrating the premiere of Fat Actress. If you're a subscriber, you can probably flip on the channel right now and see someone eating a pastrami sandwich. Or, if you can hold out until tonight, you can wait for Kirstie Alley to puke (figuratively, we think—maybe those new DVR cable boxes are projectile-vomiting enabled? ) all over your shoes. Writes the LAT's Paul Brownfield:

[M]ore immediately, "Fat Actress" is about someone indiscriminately revealing themselves at me. Though she gamely shows herself in various stages of emotional and physical undress, Alley isn't so much exposing her vulnerabilities here as vomiting on my shoes without asking and then saying, "Thanks for letting me share."

The very first scene is a postcard from the edge: Alley, in her bathroom, gets up off the toilet and weighs herself, then collapses into a fit of crying on her bathroom floor, writhing about in a nightgown and Ugg boots.

This, gentle readers, is satire at its finest. In the next scene, a burglar wearing a Hollywood sign around his neck sneaks in through an open door, sodomizes Alley's poodle, then screams, "This is what Hollywood does to you!" The actress is so distraught that she can hardly touch her plate of buttered spaghetti, but with her agent's coaching, she finishes every last bite.