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To: Signers of this petition

We, the undersigned, request that you stop being such shameless pseudo-hipster lifestyle sheep. Just because self-appointed taste makers like Wes Anderson and Tara Subkoff saw fit to slow the already bloated narrative of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou with a throw away scene involving Zissou-branded Adidas shoes doesn't mean you have to take the bait. Just as you didn't have to wear every piece of gear The Beastie Boys (circa 1993) or The Strokes (circa 1999) wore, you do not have to fall for this pandering, embarrassing, suffocatingly precious sight gag.

Did you covet those goofy "Air Seinfeld" sneakers Jerry Seinfeld used to show off in TV interviews back in the day? No, you did not, mostly because Seinfeld is 'lame,' while Wes, and co. are 'cool.' There is nothing cool about movie tie-in shoes, even if the movie in question had a great soundtrack and a cool boat. Especially if the movie in question had a great soundtrack and a cool boat. Oh, and Life Aquatic was basically Armageddon for the art-house set. Think about it.

There are better ways to spend your money, like on donations to Tsunami relief organizations, gifts for your grandmother, or on McSweeneys Wrapping Paper. (Actually, that last one is a joke. See, we're explaining it to you because you clearly didn't get that in Life Aquatic, the shoes were a joke. As was the Leopard Jaguar Shark, which also does not exist.)

Adidas Rom Zissou from The Life Aquatic [Petition Online]
Related: We're sorry to say our West Coast brother has gotten caught up in this sad, desperate quest. We're planning the intervention right now. [Defamer]