UK ad conglomerate Abbott Mead Vickers/BBDO has produced one of the coolest PSAs you'll ever see. They got a former Navy SEAL to shoot eggs and apples and stuff and filmed it at 10,000 frames per second. Will the commercial help stop gun violence? Probably not. But it really sexes up the agency's TV reel. After the jump, watch stuff go ka-BLAMMO!

The commercial, tagged "Stop The Bullets. Kill The Gun," is part of London hip hop station Choice FM's "Peace On The Streets" campaign.

That water bottle explosion was wicked sweet, huh? Watching the video took me back to my grandparents' dilapidated Appalachian Trail cabin, shooting coffee cans and jugs of water from the back porch with a .22 semi-automatic rifle, the cans flipping in the air almost before you heard the report. Damn that was fun.

Anyway, back to the issue of whether or not the spot works as a deterrent against gun shooting. Jeff Beer of AdAge site Creativity thinks it's "effective," but he doesn't say why or for what. Gun possession is already illegal in England and first time offenders face a minimum of five years in prison. So who, exactly, is the spot supposed to be targeting? The criminal gun-runners/sellers? Teen gangsters? If I was a teen gangster, after seeing this fetishizing of gunplay, I'd grab my piece and head to a deserted area and start blasting away at watermelons. In fact, the first 50 seconds of this video would make a perfect opening for an NRA PowerPoint recruitment presentation.

The release of this commercial coincides with the shooting death of eleven-year-old Rhys Jones last Thursday, the latest in a string of inner city gun crimes in the UK. Maybe, as a result, British TV stations will pick up and run the spot for free and air the fuck out of it. Maybe, that'll do something.

But really? This beautiful piece of film was shot so that a couple creative directors and associate creative directors, and a bunch of copywriters and art directors who had nothing to do with its creation could all put it on their reels. Heck, after writing this piece, I think I'll put it on my reel.

Previously: Does This Ad Make You Wanna Smoke, Sluts?

Congresswoman Lois Capps (D., California), is fuming because women's magazines won't stop running ads for women's cigarettes. They won't even write her back! She's thinks it's "hypocritical" for the pubs to run the ads intermixed with editorial about tofu and other healthy crap. Uh, you've come a long way, baby?

Here's the latest ad from the new campaign for Camel No. 9s—the campaign that's got Capps crapping her pantsuit.

Ooh, baby—black on black, hit the sack, wearing five-inch stilettos and smoking a 100mm ciggy.

Congress claims the ads target underage females. In February, at a Senate hearing about the campaign, Ohio Democrat Sherrod Brown said, "It strains the imagination to think this campaign is aimed at anybody other than 15, 16, 17-year-old girls — something that's pretty morally repugnant."

This is balderdash. If RJ Reynolds was targeting kids, they would've put a Hillary Duff Fashion Fever™ Barbie® in the layout, leaning against one of the packs. No, I think the ads simply target slutty Jezebels. And looking at Capps, she appears to be the complete opposite of a slutty Jezebel. Seriously lawmakers—either ban all cigarette advertising, or shut the fuck up and move on to more serious health concerns, like maybe universal healthcare.

The campaign is apparently working, as sales of Camel No. 9 cigs are strong. Does the ad appeal to you sexy lady tokers? Does it convey the light luscious sweet taste of the cigarettes? Or does the deep black background conjure images of blackened lungs?

Combine this campaign with Camel's ads featuring the work of tattoo artists like Scott Campbell, and evil RJ Reynolds is clearly leading the pack in hip tobacco advertising. Time to step it up, Philip Morris.

Previously: The Poopy Pants Commercial

Alli, known to some of you as prescription diet drug Xenical, has racked up $155 million in over-the-counter sales in only five weeks. It's got a nasty side effect though—anal leakage. Sudden anal leakage. So a competitor has now prudently dramatized this sticky problem by showing a woman crapping herself while out to lunch with her friends.

Generix Labs, maker of competitive diet pill Leptopril, released this laughably amateurish video that looks like it cost about 20 bucks to produce. But at least the shitstain looks very real.

Even more amateurish then the video is the Generix spokesperson's mock shock reaction when none of the networks would air it:

"I can't believe they all rejected our commercial," lied Generix's Gina Gay. "The networks are willing to take GSK's [GlaxoSmithKline, marketer of Alli] money to run positive ads about Alli, [but] seem disinclined to offer the public the other side [the backside!] of the story."

A response letter from CBS read, in part: "We believe that the extended discussion and depiction of excrement fails to meet a premium standard of good taste and may offend a significant portion of our audience."

Me? I would love to see more of this negative smear (zing!) campaigning by advertisers. Forget your own product, sling the, uh, mud! "Drink Coke: Pepsi's slightly higher sugar content is more likely to rot teeth, cause diabetes, etc." "Eat Pork: the other non-bird-fluey white meat, etc." "Alpo: Slightly fewer chopped-up horse vaginas then Gravy Train, etc." Let the new age of comparative advertising begin!

Previously: Intel Ad: Stupid? Or Stupid And Racist?

The reason why most ad copywriters and art directors get in this business is that it allows us chances to think up ridiculously silly scenarios to sell products. I once got to work with a monkey to sell a pen. Thanks to online video, silliness in advertising is on the rise. That's great. But some of the silly is silly for silly's sake. And that's really painful.

Below is a new spot for Skittles. It is good silly.

It is good silly because, despite its unbelievable premise, it somehow has a feeling of truth to it. The casting of Tim has a lot to do with that. We're sold that he really has this affliction. And it sells Skittles, without "selling" Skittles. It leaves me wanting Skittles. Lots of them, and I don't even eat much candy. Mmm, Skittles.

It also reminds me of a candy campaign that didn't work. A few years ago, Snickers transparently tried to become more of an "adult" product by telling me to eat a candy bar at work at 3 p.m. for a pick-me-up. Now, I haven't reviewed any recent data on surges in adult candy-eating, but those kind of strategy statement TV spots usually don't cut it with consumers.

Now, here's a new two-minute "viral" video for Ray-Bans.

Much like a previous Ray-Ban dry-humping video, it's simply a stunt—and not a very good one. It gets stale quick. The "creatives" behind these videos (the agency is Cutwater in San Francisco) apparently think they are "artists," not salespeople. They would argue that it's a short film, man. It's viral, it doesn't have to sell product, dude. It even has that oh-so-hip scratching turntables music, to appeal to the kids! Terrible. This attitude behind the ads is bullshit. All agency creatives are salespeople and every thing they create is a sale tool. This video doesn't sell Ray-Ban sunglasses, no matter how many "views" it gets. It sells silliness.

Previously: Let Go Of My Lego!

After 15 years, it still amazes me on an almost daily basis how baldly stupid my job is. "We really like the ad, Mark, but could you make it 10% less edgy?" But there are jobs out there stupider than mine—jobs like "Certified Professional Lego Consultant."

I found out about this new vocation in, of all places, The Economist. According to Lego, consultancies are now setup in 25 countries. In these "Serious Play" workshops, business managers and such are given sets of the Danish firm's trademark colored plastic bricks and asked to build bridges and towers, but also abstract representations of corporate strategy or "the people you hate the most" in your company.

Companies like PricewaterhouseCoopers and Google have held Serious Play events. I recently attended a $7,000, two-day New York Lego workshop on Gawker's dime. Asked to build a character that best represented my boss, managing editor Choire Sicha, I designed Axonn, wearer of the Great Mask of Truth. Note the colossal curse-word cleaving axe in his right hand, and the powerful exclamation point laser gun in his left. [Ed. Note: Suck it!]

Lucio Margulis of Juego Serio, a consultancy in Buenos Aires, says the workshops are effective because playing with Legos produces "Eureka" moments not regulated by conscious thought. When I leave advertising, I think I may start CEO coloring book seminars.

Which brings me to the actual reason why I wrote this stupid Lego post—to show you the first ad I ever did for my first assignment in my first week at ad school. I played with some Legos for a few days, before coming up with the idea.

This was my "Eureka" advertising moment: Cute picture + word play = sold ad. If you'd like to see (and mock) the second and third ads of the campaign, here they are.

Previously: The Most Horrible Ad Ever

It's a lot of fun making fun of advertising every week. Ha ha, Kenneth Cole's a heel. Ha ha, Donny Deutsch is a cad. Ha ha, I'm a lazy shit. But then one week, somebody emails you an ad that's not fun, and hits you so personally, it makes you sick.

The above ad is from 1981, which was around the time that asbestos manufacturers were starting to take serious heat for their cancer-causing product.

"Asbestos contains fire, cannot burn and holds up after metal and glass have melted away, giving vital time for people to escape," reads the third paragraph copy. Also, note the tagline. For New Yorkers, this ad is of course ridiculously, tragically ironic. But it is not as a New Yorker that this ad hits me so hard. It's as a son.

Continuing with Overshare Month here on Gawker, my father has asbestosis of the lungs, thanks to working for 37 years as a millwright-pipefitter at a DuPont plant. His condition, and that of many of his now dead co-workers, was kept secret for years by plant physicians.

He's been having sharp pains around his heart the last few weeks. These pains can be the first and only warning sign of Mesothelioma—lung cancer caused by the inhalation of asbestos particles. Once you're diagnosed, you likely have less than a year left. The fact that my dad was a serious runner for 30 years is probably the only thing that's saved him. Doctors are baffled by his ability, at age 70, to kayak faster and longer than athletic men half his age. In 15 years of my own competitive running, I beat him in a road race once.

A thin-slice CAT scan showed no change in his lungs and no tumors, thank fucking goodness. My father deserves to live to 100, and I believe he may yet do it.

I'm sorry for the bring-down. Let's all return to the warm embrace of sarcasm!

Dad.

Previously: Let's Write Some Hooker Ads!

Last week in AdAge Lenore Skenazy got her panties (or whatever her choice of undergarment is) in a bunch over the adult classified ads in the back of reputable newspapers and magazines—she claims they're for hookers! The ads also upset me—they're boring! I've lined up three ads for alleged Ladies of the Night. Let's see if we can come up with some come-ons.

Back In May, I took a stab at writing lines for a SheMale escort ad. This time, I grabbed the latest copy of the Village Voice and turned to the "adult bodywork" section. It's spread out on my desk right now. My art director Keri just walked by, shaking her head.

First up, Yoko. As you may or may not know, the adult classifieds are chock full of Asian women. So Yoko needs a little something else to break through the clutter. Iif she's gonna use that name, then I think she's gotta play it up:

Last week, 11,000 ad people and 33,000 ironic t-shirts clogged Cannes to witness the awarding lion statuettes symbolic of "courageous" work. The Very Important Dove "Evolution" video garnered both the top film and cyber awards. But what about print, the dying medium? The winning ad was from a New York agency. And I don't hate it!

Click to enlarge.

Above is the best ad from the winning campaign for Ultra Tide Stain Remover, by Saatchi & Saatchi, New York. (A second ad featured a handful of ninjas representing a soy sauce stain.). I had not seen the ad before this, so I'm assuming it was a double-page spread execution, or a poster. The overwhelmed group of red-uniformed football players is a pretty damn cool trick. And I admit, reluctantly, that I wouldn't mind having this campaign in my portfolio.

Now, does it sell Tide? Fuck if I know, nor—like the judges at Cannes—do I care.

In an AdAge article about the campaign, judge Julian Watt, executive creative director, Network BBDO, Johannesburg, South Africa had these inspirational words for the losers: "Go home, and don't ever say you can't do great work for a difficult [brand]."

Hey Julian baby, a little heads up from down here in the trenches—a laundry detergent ain't a difficult assignment. A urine analysis machine is, though.

Previously: Virgin Mobile's 'You Rule' Ads A Huge Failure

Now that every local blogger and even The New York Times has huffed and puffed about the smug, insensitive Virgin Mobile "You Rule" New York neighborhood ads (Murray Hill? No.), it's about time a smug, insensitive ad blogger blustered a bit.

Virgin Mobile's campaign—created by a North Carolina ad agency—has managed to piss off people in all five boroughs thanks to copy like this for Staten Island residents:

Thank you for being our down-to-earth, suburban, predominantly Italian-American cousins. To show our gratitude, we've got something for you. No, not baked ziti—cell phone plans without annual contracts...

Do or Die is more than a moniker. It speaks to the fact that you don't take crap from anyone. Especially newcomers who want to change Bed-Stuy into some sort of yuppie strip mall.

So, yes the ads suck. But even if the Tar Heel copywriter had magically stumbled upon the perfect words that made every Gotham resident perfectly happy, the ads would still suck. Why? Replace Virgin Mobile's logo with a Nike, Chase, Bud, Gawker, Trump or T-Mobile logo and, besides a slight copy tweak, nothing would have to be changed. The campaign lacks anything that ties it inexorably to Virgin Mobile—it could be for anybody and about anything. 'You rule! Buy this ___ to rule more.'

I questioned a couple of ad acquaintances who had seen the ads. One remembered them being for Verizon and the other couldn't remember who they were for. If I had the time and if Gawker actually paid me, I think a larger sampling would be just as telling. Nobody remembers the product.

Thanks for reading. You rule, etc.

The soul of an artist? More like the breath of a dead artist.
[Image: Curbed]

Previously: Does Dry-Humping Sell Sunglasses?

As part of a new "Never Hide" ad campaign, Ray-Ban, your grandparents' sunglasses brand, has released four web "films." The latest one has got some panties bunched—and not just the lusty young things in the video.

Titled "Kiss," it's 60-seconds of non-stop sloppy suck-face. Watch it and then see if you feel the overwhelming desire to purchase a pair of Ray-Bans and then dry-hump someone on the street.

Apparently, the unique selling proposition of Ray-Bans is that when you wear a pair, sexy women will want to fuck you in public rather then in "hidden" places, and the sunglasses won't fall off during the ensuing, inevitable rough sex.

Speaking with AdWeek, here's what the modest Chuck McBride, creative director of Ray-Ban's ad agency Cutwater, had to say about his campaign:

"These glasses don't mask who you are, they're a window (Shut. Up!) to who you are. It's one of the best branding ideas I've had (Hear that, Ray-Ban? You owe him.). Everyone gets the double entendre (nice work, Wilde); it's just right strategically for the audience (not from where I sit) and the client, and it is evoking (or is it 'invoking?') a truth. And it's a big idea that a lot of cool executions can live under (ad-speak, ignore). We went out to find the biggest truth (that's a lie) out in a marketplace that is going label-driven and fashion. It is a nice, disruptive (buzzword!) thought."

The video has spurred a lot of heated back-and-forth chatter in ad cyberspace. Me, I was just bored waiting for the not-coming payoff.

ADDENDUM...New York ad agency PR people! Think your firm does hot-shit creative work? Would you like to see a piece on your agency on Gawker? Read this post and then just send an email to Editor Alex Balk.

Previously: How To Get An Ad Copywriting Job

I've already told you how to do my job. But first, you have to get my job. I get a lot of emails asking the question: 'copyranter, how can I get a job like yours that pays me a ridiculous amount of money for being stupid?' Why, even former Gawker intern and current stone cold stud-about-town Neel Shah was curious!

Even though the job title has "writing" in it, you really don't have to be much of a writer. Regular readers of this column already know that. You do have to have a portfolio of fake ads and ideas. But! You don't have to enroll at an expensive ad school to create one. Here's one possible bullet-pointed plan.

Why do some TV ads work and others don't? I don't know! Does anybody? There are marketing folk—folk who've never even created a matchbook cover—who think they've got it figured out. And they've got MBAs!

Ad researchers say consumers just aren't as "engaged" with TV commercials as they used to be. In a two-part AdAge piece (last week, they put the blame on "attention vampires." Attention vampires are babies or animals or hot actors or vampires?) in spots that "suck consumers away from your brand or message."

Attention vampire hunter Lee Weinblatt, founder of TV commercial testing company PreTesting, claims that by closely monitoring eye vibrations, he can ascertain how engaged consumers are and therefore how effective TV spots are. His advice to marketers is to eschew attention-vampire (it sounds worse the more you say it) elements and use plain Jane (his words) spokespeople who won't divert awareness away from your car or floor wax.

What he or AdAge reporter Brooke Capps fails to mention is that his "viewers" are lab test subjects recruited (and probably paid) to watch spots—as opposed to lazy-ass you or me sitting at home watching TV, where our eyes automatically glaze over in that half-second between programming stops and the start of commercial blocks. At that point, I welcome an attention vampire. Which is why I gotta go with what Bill Bernbach said about effective advertising some 50 years ago: "If nobody notices your ad, everything else (eye movement, etc.) is academic."

These studies, including an ongoing one involving fMRI technology, are all part of an unsuccessful attempt to close the gap between a) advertisers wanting guarantees that ads will work, and b) advertising agencies not having a fucking clue if their ads will work (but it tested so well!?).

You keep attaching wires to people, geniuses. Maybe someday, you'll find that nonexistent magic ad formula.

Previously: The Subway Platform Is An Ad Platform

Are you feeling a bit battered by the omnipresent transit advertising? Then it's time to invest in some horse blinders, because the ads are only going to get more invasive. That's right: Ads on subway floors and pillars—and motion-activated ads—are on their way. But wait! There's worse!

How invasive will it get? Let's start with the subways. The "station domination" ad assaults, like the dubious campaign for enviga that seemingly plastered the walls of half of the city's 4,000 stations, are becoming more dominating. Not only are advertisers like Target covering station walls, they're also covering station floors and even pillars. And wall projection ads that are activated by your body motion—whether you look or not—are already in Herald Square and, soon, everywhere. That creepy scene from Minority Report may become reality soon than later!

But none of that is as disturbing as the new fully-wrapped subway cars, like the one below for "Deadwood." Speaking about the wraps in the latest issue of Adweek supplement "Other Advertising," Jodi Senese of CBS Outdoor giddily burbles, "When a consumer walks in there, it's not like they just notice the ad. They're swallowed by it. It becomes a total engagement experience."

No word on whether the wrap caused an increase in swearing and gunplay.

MTA buses and bus shelters are also getting tricked out in new ad technology. Soon, many shelters will sport graffiti- and bullet-proof LCD panels, as well as those scrolling ad posters already popular in European cities. On buses, full vehicle wrap ads are already ubiquitous. But something really special is on the way for bus riders: Vinyl ad coverings for interior ceilings that distributor Titan Worldwide calls its "Michelangelo" product.

Then of course, there's the backseat video-audio screens which will be installed in all 13,000+ yellow cabs by year's end. Since the systems will come with GPS tracking, advertisers will be able to target you down to the block. Ready to watch a Christmas ad from Macy's just as you turn onto 34th Street? Or a breathy video come-on for the Penthouse Executive Club as you ride on 11th Avenue in midtown?

You love Big Brother.

Previously: How Ads Get Made: "Creative" Process Revealed

Have you ever wondered how advertising "creatives" come up with their wacky ideas? Yes? No? Why would you? Well, you're in for a treat, or perhaps torture. An actual international award-winning advertising creative is about to divulge some of the rarely discussed "jamming" techniques used to form our Big Ideas.

The magical process begins when the account executive throws a "creative brief" (we bandy the 'c' word about a lot here in doucheland) onto the creative team's desks. To creatives, all account executives are assholes.

Let's say the brief is for a new fast internet service, with ideas due in two weeks. When I was a young non-alcoholic learning my "craft" at New York City's School of Visuals Arts, I would spend every free moment eagerly working on my weekly assignments.

Since then, I've amended the process a bit.

For the first week and a half, I will work on my blog, read blogs, visually think about internet porn, play endless games of Snood, leave early, and go shoot some pool.

Two days before the presentation, the creative director will stroll into my office and ask, "Whatta you guys got?" I'll say, with fake confidence, "A couple of good things brewing that ain't ready to be looked at yet." My response never varies by more than a word or two.

After he leaves, I'll turn to my art director and ask her "Whatta you got?" She'll say, "A couple of hot things cooking, not quite ready to...."

Panic! We both then dive into back issues of Communication Arts or Archive and look for good "fast" ideas to alter just enough to avoid plagiarism charges. If that doesn't work, a couple of my own techniques include typing "fast" (or whatever) into Google and Google Image and scrolling through hundreds of pages. Also, a very imprecise thesaurus like Roget's has saved my ass a few times.

If none of the above has worked, I will resort to lame wordplays ("surf fstr"—see, it's so fast we had to remove the vowels!) which then force my pissed-off art director to do all the work herself, and pull pretty layouts out of her ass.

Repeat every two weeks, or as needed.

For this, one gets paid well over 6 figures.

Previously: Awards Season Excitement

Pathetic? OMG yes. Back in 1991 when the CLIO awards show ended in disarray,a young me watched middle-aged men in tuxes storm the stage and bump and fight each other to steal awards.

In this week's AdWeek piece previewing this year's festivities, ad Boy Wonder Andrew Keller of Crispin Porter + Bogusky pontificates about his criteria for award-winning work.

"[Work that's] pushing boundaries and challenging what the industry does...I like it when the product gets engaged and it's hard to tell the difference between the product and advertising."

Yeah, marketers also like it when their products get engaged/lost in the advertising. Millions well spent—to put shiny happy pieces of metal on Keller's shelves. Andrew's hoping his agency's cheap-trick spots for VW rake in the hardware. VW sales flat? Who gives a shit!

Who, exactly, judges these brands? Why, people just like me! I've judged ANDY, CLIO and One Show stuff. What are my qualifications? 1) I work in advertising. 2? I showed up when they asked. And I enjoyed killing every single ad and TV spot that was put in front on me. I never got invited back.

But let's not quibble over who killed what. Let the analingus begin!

Previously: Donny Deutsch's Makeover

First, he uses his column to apologize to Bill O"Reilly for some "horrible names" he called him (including the "Antichrist") in an interview a few years ago. "Who was I to say jerky things about this guy I didn't even know?" Shit, maybe he's right. Mr. Garfield... I, ah fuck it.

Donny also reminds us of the time he ripped his shirt off in during an interview with AdAge. What he doesn't remind us of is what he said as he was making like an incredibly boorish Incredible Hulk: "I can kick the ass of any CEO in advertising."

Lastly, he says he could "fill this page with the jerky—not hateful, but jerky—things I've done or said." He sure could. And maybe the rest of the pages.

You fired art director Jeison Rodriguez, who had worked for you for ten long years, just because he playfully circulated a rather hot pic of you in a Speedo. I think that not only deserves an apology, but also an appearance on your CNBC show.

When you interviewed Bill Gates, you not only asked him how much money he had in his wallet, you also asked him "What's on your iPod?"

After that many years screaming and ranting, is an image makeover (motivated by such a wee crisis of conscience) this shallow really going to pretty up your reputation?

Donny, before you can move on and flourish guilt-free in this exciting new era of nice, I think you need to visit David Ogilvy's grave, rip your shirt off, drop to your knees, and just let it all out, bad boy.

Previously: Your Agency Name Here

Hating everything gets tiresome. So! Calling all New York ad agencies! You think your agency DVD will make me piss Gold Lion patterns into my pants? You think your art directors wear the coolest ironic t-shirts? You think your web work is blazing-scorching hot? You think your CEO can talk for five minutes without using buzz words? I am looking for someone to love.

DON'T

Mad Men, an AMC original series that promises "Madison Avenue like you've never seen it before," debuts in July. This week, both AdAge and AdWeek sport cover wrap ads promoting the one-hour, 13-episode show created by Sopranos writer and executive producer Mathew Weiner. It's set in the 1960s and stars Jon Hamm as "Don Draper," a hotshot creative director working for fictitious Manhattan agency Sterling Cooper.

Years ago (not quite the 60s), I was hired right out of NYC ad school by a fucking mad man; a man, now dead, who smoked blunts laced with cocaine like they were Marlboro Ultra Lights. Every idea in his portfolio was stolen from someone else. When he opened his own shop, he fucked every woman he hired, including his wife who worked part-time as an art director. He took clients' media money and never paid publications; he took clients' production money and never paid suppliers. Here's a few highlights of the brief history of the agency:

• On the day he received his first big check, our new business "rainmaker," who was seriously as dumb as a piece of quick-stick yet amazingly effective, overdosed on a huge bag of cocaine in the man's Manhattan pied- -terre.
  
• One of the boss's best friends, who often hung out at the agency after hours, was an amateur boxer and professional mob hitman with hair plugs who often spoke matter-of-factly about his "jobs" around us as we were trying to come up with ads for toilet paper and such. We later found out his stories were all true.
  
• Every client was limo-ed out to the man's Jersey lakeside lodge and taken on a pontoon boat ride, where the details of the pro forma kickback arrangement were discussed.
  
• At one point, a female account executive with camera-ready DSLs was fucking the boss (of course), the creative director, two copywriters (no, not me) and another account executive at the same time.

• Fortunately, that's all I can remember, as I've blocked out many of the bad memories from this three-year period. Also I was, not surprisingly, going through a divorce. The point being: It's easy to believe that no one in advertising will be watching Mad Men, because living it was freakish enough.

  A lie not disguised.

  Previously: Bob Garfield, Confidence Man

Bob Garfield has been the television commercial reviewer at AdAge for over 20 years. I've been reading his column since I was eagerly putting together my portfolio of fake ads at The School of Visual Arts. He also co-hosts the NPR show "On The Media" with Brooke Gladstone. Most media professionals consider him the world's preeminent "ad critic." In 2003, He published an ad guide book titled And Now A Few Words From Me. (Get it? He replaced "our sponsor" with "me."). But seriously, I think he is a very smart man. I also think he is as full of shit as any of the Creative Knights of the Roundtable.

But wait! I happen to agree with many of Mr. Garfield's beliefs. Ad creative directors are too obsessed with industry awards shows and "rule breaking," and not nearly concerned enough with, you know, the actual consumer benefits of the clients' products.

My problem with Mr. Garfield is with what he actually does for money: "critiquing" ads and then giving them zero to four stars...what a bunch of hooey! And, he's the world's leading, undisputed, "most feared" (according to his icitizen profile) ad critic!

Mr. Garfield, that's some fine snake oil you sell.

According to the Publishers Weekly review of his book, Mr. Garfield says that out of the well in excess of a thousand ads that have been "subjected to my pitiless scrutiny, I've really blown the call only eleven or twelve times" WHAT?!? How'd you arrive at that number? Counting the bumps inside your Sigmoid colon? And please do tell what proprietary matrix you use to determine the accuracy of your reviews. The product's sales went up? (Yeah, that's proof that ads work. Pffft.) The company ran the campaign for a second year? What? WHAT?!?

"My goal here isn't to leave you a bit infuriated," says Mr. Garfield on his book jacket. "My goal is to enumerate transgressions so extravagant and insane that you actually bleed through the ears."

Face it, Mr. Garfield: you're a wannabe ad guy.

Well, this is your big chance. Let's partially switch jobs for a week: I'll write your "ad review" column, and you'll come up with a couple of web video ideas for one of our clients—just key frames, not complete storyboards, I'll present my column to you, and you'll present your concepts to me.

Also, let's arm wrestle. It's kind of a feature writer tradition here at Gawker.

Previously: Trend School at Soho House

Once every month, several hip New York teenagers shuffle into the Soho House, the Meatpacking House of Style, to share their sublime understanding of What Is Cool These Days with ad and marketing execs—who pay $2,500 for the one-day chat sessions. They're paying to hear Aaron talk about his favorite Jordan sneakers; to view Jennie's hand-knit Bart Simpson blanket; to find out about James's blogs (Christ). Welcome to Trend School, the consistently sold-out event hosted by CAA's trend-tracking unit, the Intelligence Group.

Apparently feeling like lost bleating sheep, executives from Conde Nast, HBO and People have already shown up at the School to learn about web trends, new bands, new words, and video gaming—the clueless dweebs even got a chance to play with an actual Nintendo Wii! Wee!

"The idea is to take yourself out of the daily grind, get out from behind the spreadsheets and only thinking about your world and your challenges. Let us give you an immersion (Christ) into what's happening in their world," said Intelligence Group founder and President Jane Buckingham.

Said repeat "graduate" Jeff Anulewicz of Carlson Marketing, "[The] first time there were a lot of 'aha' kind of moments, but the second time it was a lot less eye-opening and more confirmation of 'OK, we're tracking that.'"

Aforementioned Cool Kid and nonsmoker Jennie cited Camel as a brand that gets it. She raved about their most recent print executions that use a Brooklyn tattoo artist to ink the ads and pack design.

The Trend School has been so popular that the Intelligence Group is introducing..."Trend Safaris," where the Kids and Stiffs will spend a day roaming the Streets in search of Cool.

Suggested next step: Ad agencies/marketers can adopt Street Kids and let them live at the company in exchange for once-a-day briefings.

Previously: Ad Icon Sitcoms

Last week, ABC announced that they've greenlighted a half-hour pilot starring the Geico Insurance cavemen. The show reportedly will be called..."Cavemen."

While Geico will have no creative control of the plot, they will receive a royalty payment for use of the characters. "We sell insurance; we don't make TV shows...We are excited to have an opportunity to do a brand extension," understated Ted Ward, Geico's VP of marketing, as he simultaneously pissed and shit the pants of his Joseph Abboud suit.

NBC apparently turned down the cavemen pitch. However, the Peacock, as well as CBS, FOX and the CW, are all mulling over some other hastily-conceived ad icon sitcom treatments submitted by jealous, hacky copywriters.

DoubleDouble—starring Natalie and Nicole, the Doublemint Twins, and Vince & Larry, the Crash Test Dummies. Maybe Vince is a Goofus character, Larry a Gallant. Scenarios: The Dummies would always be trying to sneak backseat quickies with the Twins between crashes in the testing lab; The Twins could invite the Dummies over to watch NASCAR, Crash, etc. [Ed. Note: It went so well for Katey Sagal's twin sisters!]

The Bod Couple—starring Mr. Clean and Brawnyman, and set in and around the gorgeous Chelsea NYC duplex apartment of the happy-go-lucky lovers. But instead of one slob and one neat-freak, we have here one man who favors traditional products while the other insists on green cleaners. Hilarious tension ensues weekly. [Ed. Note: Also: buttfucking!]

Easy Company—Set in a sleek slick Silicon Valley tech company, two goofball junior web designers (the "I'm a Mac" guy & ?) secretly use a magical Staples Easy Button to finish their work at the last minute. Scenarios: always losing the Button, natch; taking the Button to bars to turn prudish SanFran hippie chicks into nymphos; etc.

Related: The Vivid Entertainment Group announced via press release that they've signed Bob the Enzyte guy to a one-year, 1,000-movie contract.

Earlier: The Axe Effect

Four years after launching in the U.S., Axe now outsells the next three men's fragrances combined (Old Spice, Stetson, and aging ad-guy fave Drakkar Noir). From the get-go, the Unilever brand directly targeted the 18-24 year old mook demo with a specious, subtle-as-an-axe ad message: apply Axe to your bods and beautiful women will instantly suck and fuck each and every one of your body parts.

This week, tens of thousands of bodysprayed college lads smelling like Voodoo or possibly a Tsunami, begin arriving in Mexico and Florida for Spring Break(!). And virtually every one of them truly believes he is going to get his constantly-throbbing, aromatic peenie wet. Wonder what beer fart mixed with Voodoo smells like?

Other Advertising, a supplement to the March issue of AdWeek, features what is basically an advertorial stroke job for Axe and its guerrilla marketing, including Spring Break(!) materials.

"A lot of times, [Axe's] programs don't have traditional elements at all," said William Gelner, group creative director (not invited to last month's roundtable) at the New York office of London agency Bartle Bogle Hegarty. "It's about pathways to communicate with the consumer." Pathways such as Spring Break(!) which Gelner says is"rife with brandalism [new marketing buzz word alert!]."

Brandalism like "Rules Of Engagement" hotel door wraps and Axe Effect nightclub hand stamps.

Of course, the Axe marketing folk tell the media it's all tongue-in-cheek, not serious, girls are in the joke, blah blah etc. Sure sure. "Spray more, get more" doesn't promise a thing. But who cares? You absolute fucking geniuses overwhelmed the competition by convincing a generation of alpha males that girlie-spraying their entire bodies with perfume is manly. Hai Karate bows to you.

Earlier: The Creative Directors

In this month's Creativity magazine, eleven of the coolest advertising creative directors you'll ever meet sat down for a "creatives roundtable" to creatively discuss the changing state of creativity and their changing creative roles within it. Eleven creative men wearing black-framed glasses and t-shirts and beards and skull caps. Eleven whites of the roundtable (wait, one Latino!) who get paid well north of six-figures to make pretty pictures and/or turn moderately clever phrases. Since I also happen to hold the title "creative director" (OK, associate creative director) I thought I'd don my black-framed Oliver Peoples glasses and take a virtual seat at the table.

I met a guy...who when he was 18 got a DUI, ended up going to the army instead of jail. Then he decided to design tattoos and did this documentary on this Christian rock band...He's never done an ad and I'm going to hire him.

That's smart Mike. If your agency ever gets the chance to do work for Stryper, you guys'll hit it out the park!

Where does craftsmanship fit in? We still have to care about what we do.

Jeremy, I think "craftsmanship" fits in when you're, like, building some sort of craft and such? You and I make noise, bro, which any turd or newborn baby is capable of creating.

...Then I took a 2-year sabbatical, which I highly recommend. When I left, art directors were sort of the stars. Now, writing is very important again as websites have the potential to be stories that you have to write the hell out of...

What did you do for two years, Jere? Surf the world? "Write the hell out of" (I'm making air quotes) your forthcoming tell-all memoir about what a bunch of selfish douchebags ad guys are? Auggie Burroughs already shot his load all over that puppy. And, well, I got one in the works, too. What's your title? Mine's... I got a couple... Ad-Dick or Ad Nausea, something like that...

I think the riskiest thing they (clients) can do is not take risks.

FUCKIN' A, LEO! Like that hot shit you guys are doing for Ameriprise Financial? With Dennis Hopper and that fuckin' red chair? Client probably asked, 'What's with the chair?' You probably said something like 'you worry about the geezer's money, we'll worry about the fucking art direction.' Fucking stupid clients.

Creative Knights of the Roundtable are Indefatigable

Earlier: Svedka, Le Poire, Ketel One

The vodka market is the limitless frontier of ad-men and importers. Pretty much everybody who's got a bottle and a dream—even dead rock stars who choked on their own alcohol-fueled puke—is trying to become the next Absolut. (Thanks, of course, to TBWA's long-running campaign.) A guy I work with even hopes to soon introduce a Hamptons vodka called Saggy Egret or something. I tried it, but because it was poured from a clear, label-less bottle, it tasted kinda flat to me. Now, after nearly a year delay, Donald Trump's overpriced hooch— a product he says he has never even tasted—is widely available. His tagline? "Success Distilled."

Last month, V2, a caffeine- and taurine-infused vodka apparently not named after the ballistic rocket used by the Nazis at the end of WWII to kill scores of British civilians, hit the market.

To think, everybody used to just drank Smirnoff. Let's take a look at the ad campaigns of three of the fastest selling vodka brands.

On February 6th, Fortune 500 liquor maker/marketer Constellation Brands bought Svedka vodka for $384 million. Last year, Svedka increased sales 60% behind ads featuring a hottie roboty from the year 2023—a fembot that, to me, looks a little too much like the Bjork bot created eight years ago by director Chris Cunningham. FYI, Mr. Cunningham, The Svedka folks will officially be very cash-rich as of March 1st.

Grey Goose just launched a pear-flavored product, Le Poire (Regular readers of Gawker have probably noticed the ubiquitous ads for Absolut's new pear-flavored vodka.). As part of an ongoing partnership with Conde Nast, Grey Goose employs New Yorker cartoonists to help create tear-out recipe postcards that mimic the style of the magazine's sketches, complete with dreadful punchlines:

And finally, there's Ketel One, the official assimilation vodka of Gawker's favorite Negro. I'm sure you've seen their anti-ad ads—badly punctuated notes addressed "Dear Ketel One Drinker." I've been answering all of the Dutch distiller's missives from the get-go. Below, is my most recent response.

Earlier: Next Medium, Headstones?

Rubbish. According to last week's Ad Age, Glad recently finished a two-month run advertising its trash bags on the sides of New York's 2,000 trash trucks. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that two entertainment marketers have contacted the department of sanitation to take Glad's place—though linking most movies/CDs/TV shows with smelly garbage is fine by me.

Condom wrappers. New York is branding the 1.5 million generic prophylactics it hands out for free every month. The first batches will feature iconic City designs, but the logical next step is to accept outside bids... say Michelin or According to Jim.

Crappers. Below is a shot scanned from Ad Week supplement Other Advertising. These portable toilets were placed in Central Park last Summer for a New York Road Runners' race. Whatever your opinion of IndiaDotArie's particular brand of neo soul, this bit of marketing shitergy can't be a smart move, can it? Was her music piped in? And if so, did it act as a laxative or costive?
In summation: Piss, Shit, Cum and Offal. Why not rotting corpses?

Correction: In this column two weeks ago, I wrote "He (Tom Messner) got rich & bloated with his own agency back in the go-go '80s thanks to sweet, sweet 15 percent compensation commissions." Mr. Messner wrote me saying that he only received $75,000 per year compensation for the first three years his agency was open in the late 80s, and that only one client was billed using the 15% commission model. I apologized to Mr. Messner, he accepted, and I will be wearing an Opus Dei leg cilice the rest of this week.