Unsolicited: In Defense Of Big Dumb Deals

I think we can all agree, stupid people are everywhere. Even in publishing. Especially in publishing! And nothing makes putative authors' blood boil more than hearing about a six-figure deal based on a gimmick, a movie, a (god forbid) blog, or something else that doesn't smack of years and years workshop-attending, literary-magazine courting, and MFA-garnering. What are these publishers thinking, doling out (comparatively) measly advances to mid-career writers who've spent years honing their craft and then shelling out the big bucks to whatever corporation is putting together BoratSecret?

Well, they're thinking about the bottom line — and here's why their approach makes sense (well, as much as anything ever does):

I'm not whistling Dixie when I say that most publisher higher-ups aren't total idiots. Yes, it's frustrating that HarperRandomHachetteHoltzPenguinWhatever is throwing money at things that suck when there are plenty of well-written novels and fascinating non-fiction tales languishing in the land of "nice deals" on
Publishers Marketplace. But, let's be realistic: It's not stupidity paving the way for these six-figure deals. Believe it or not, it's the bottom line. Because, you know what? Publishers are not in the charity business. They're not even in the literacy business. They're in thebusiness business. They exist to make money. And every successful businessperson knows, in order to succeed it's necessary to take (possibly stupid) risks every once in a while. And that's what all these six-figure bonanzas are - calculated risks. (Literally
calculated. Because you can bet they've got a P&L that supports the advance, regardless of how pie-in-the-sky those sales numbers are.)

How much would I love to find a manuscript that is so fantastic I stay up until 3 in the morning reading it and can't wait to get to work that morning so I can start talking it up to anyone who'll listen, especially the people who control the purse strings? (It's rhetorical, but in case you're wondering: I would love it long time.) I'm sure I don't have to tell you what pays for that glorious manuscript. The revenue from the much maligned bestsellers that were often the product of much maligned six-figure deals, naturally.

All I'm saying is, fuck, if someone wants to pay $1 million for BoratSecret, why not? Frankly, that's a steal compared to Apehouse.

Unsolicited is written by a hoary old publishing-industry veteran.
Earlier: You're Not The Boss Of Me Now

11:50 AM on Wed Dec 27 2006
By Emily Gould
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7 comments

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heartbreakturnip at 01:01 PM on 12/27/06
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A business? You don't say.

I believe "Unsolicited" has just outed itself as a publishing newbie. To whit: actually reading "Deal Lunch"; still impressed by six-figure deals; mistaking "workshop-attending, literary magazine-courting, MFA-garnering" for "talented"; mistaking a P&L for anything but a work of fiction; and believing in the old, hoary myth that blockbusters and bestsellers support anything but themselves and those authors.

If you're not making seven-figure advances, you're a piker and should go home to Who?ville.
Redondo Dubonnet at 01:02 PM on 12/27/06
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I don't know what Gollum of a "veteran" wrote that load of shit, but it actually tore me away from watching the turdly coverage of Gerald Ford's death on Deathvision.

God, I know, it's JUST A BUSINESS! And like this boob veteran of the page-turning wars, good shit just doesn't come along much! And actually we former big shots are fucking smart!

And I just have to say that when you spend lots of time talking to TV people in LA, all of whom went to Emerson College and can't spell, but are making all the key decisions, it really gives you perspective on the pu-pu-publishing business. Yup, they're stupid in TV, but nobody is more arrogant, ignorant, self-aggrandizing, self-validating and fucking dumb than publishers.

Thanks so much for that illuminating essay. The next time my agent tells me "that's your mishegos", I'll keep it in mind.
TedSez at 01:26 PM on 12/27/06
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Connectedness Index: 583

Of course, a writer who gets a "six-figure advance" of $100,000 is only paid a third of that up front, 15 percent of which goes to the agent. Which means he or she actually receives $28,000 for sustenance over the months or years during which the book has to be written. And that's what they call a "bonanza"!
elvis sighting at 02:37 PM on 12/27/06
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If Unsolicited had an editor he/she might offer notes like, "Uninspired. Unimaginative. Unnecessary. Unsaleable."
Or, if said editor had more facility with words than Unsolicited, perhaps "Insipid."
fireboy at 02:39 PM on 12/27/06
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I usually really enjoy this series, but this installment sounds like it was written by "The New Guy".
Gravy Train at 03:16 PM on 12/27/06
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TedSez is almost right. Factor in that either the agent, the editor, the author, or Keith Kelly likely lied about the advance and that depending on the tax bracket, the author then likely gave 20-30% of the one-third actually paid out to the government and that bonzana begins to look like a streaming pile of bull pucks.
TroubleonWheels at 06:14 PM on 12/27/06
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Thank you ever so for extending and deepening my seasonal depression.

My antidote, which I call the "Jolly Trouble"

equal parts Applejack, DiSaronno, and cranberry juice. On the rocks, shaken and strained into a martini glass with a maraschino, as a chilled shot, or (my preferred way) combined with Veuve Cliquot in a Super Big Gulp cup.