At some publishing office Xmas bashes, they serve chili from crockpots in the conference room. At others, they serve caviar at the Four Seasons. But no matter how posh or pedestrian the surroundings, there's one constant in this geekiest of industries: everyone becomes a fucking teenager once they get a little booze in them. The question, though, is what kind of high school style role will everyone fall into?

The cool ("cool") kids: Either the younger editors or the art department, depending on the publishing house/imprint. They leave early to go somewhere better and talk shit about the total plebes that comprise the rest of the company.

The wannabes: The boringest departments always get the drunkiest. This is their chance to shine! Alvin from contracts seems so mild-mannered all the other 364 days of the year, but come party time, he's suddenly breaking it down like Little Superstar. And why is Sara from preproduction doing the chicken noodle soup dance?

The cool teacher: Every house has one — that one older person (usually a dude) who is cool enough to hang with the younger kids. To his peers, there is something mildly creepy about him. He will hit on an intern tonight. Guarantee it.

The chess club: The boring older editors, who like to bring their significant others to the party. This is a great time to get an inside peek into some inscrutable home lives. Expect some stilted, uncomfortable conversations. Even with the booze, most these spouses are so socially awkward, it's reasonable to assume they may have crawled out from some abandoned subway tunnel like mole people.

The once a year hos: They are the ones sticking their boobs out at every available (and maybe not-exactly-available) straight guy. Yup, all two of them.

The cheerleaders: Publicists are just cheerleaders, all grown up. It's hard to hate them when they're telling you how AWESOME!!!! you are and how much they LOOOOOVE YOU GUYS!! while downing their fifth pink margarita and swaying drunkenly to the music.

Earlier: What Color is Your Xanax? More Flavors Of Author Crazy

12:50 PM on Wed Dec 13 2006
By Emily Gould
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15 comments

Comments

Uncle Ruckus at 01:37 PM on 12/13/06
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..and THIS is why it's the most wonderful time of the year
Smirk at 01:40 PM on 12/13/06
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I'm so glad you put "cool kids" in quotes. I find it ironic that in high school and college I was one of the super-nerds, but when I graduated and began working in the art department of a large corporation I suddenly became one of a group of "cool kids." Of course, that isn't saying much, considering.
KarenUhOh at 01:40 PM on 12/13/06
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Connectedness Index: 897

All two once a year hos or boobs or straight guys? Or all three?
momo at 01:42 PM on 12/13/06
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similar to a classification of commenters here, no?
enigmaticjack at 01:48 PM on 12/13/06
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And each year publishing inches ever further from being Fieldston (geeky, liberal drunks) and closer to whatever high school in Paramus or Bayshore kicked Judith Regan out for smoking (pole) in the boys room.

Once-a-year hos? Not committed enough.
$Image of Kim Gordon\'s Panties$ Kim Gordon's Panties at 01:55 PM on 12/13/06
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Connectedness Index: 83

Um, I work in publishing, and there's no such thing as a "once-a-year ho" in this business. Also, it's really, really good to be one of the few straight guys in the house.
viciouslies at 02:06 PM on 12/13/06
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I hate once-a-year-hos. Fucking dilettantes.
worth79 at 02:16 PM on 12/13/06
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which does little to explain your handle.. unless you're a huge sonic youth fan.

(and yes - i used 'the google' to look that tidbit up)
sixthborough at 02:17 PM on 12/13/06
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I'm a little confused about the "once-a-year hos." Are they sticking their "two" boobs out or sticking their boobs at the "two" straight guys?
GaryGnu at 02:27 PM on 12/13/06
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sixthborough, I refer you to karenuhoh's question above.
$Image of Kim Gordon\'s Panties$ Kim Gordon's Panties at 02:44 PM on 12/13/06
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I am a huge SY fan, but it's actually a reference to a more obscure band that wrote a song about Kim.
NonReadingTVwatcher at 02:49 PM on 12/13/06
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As a former cool kid now approaching chess club status, I am interested to read that you think all publishers allow significant others to be invited. Maybe at the caviar parties. Not at the chili-crockpot ones. Which is, perhaps, for the best.
cdmunch at 04:25 PM on 12/13/06
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From my experience, there were a few other types at these holiday parties:

The "chummy for two minutes" boss, who has alloted you one personal conversation per year. Here's your chance.

The "confessional drunks" in marketing who, after two or three glasses of white wine, start telling you all about their problems getting pregnant.

And then there's the "I kinda thought he was straight" guy- young, ambitious, going out drinking with the art director after the party.
SchmatSchmaymon at 05:33 PM on 12/13/06
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Connectedness Index: 213

What about the "screw the CEO intern"? She, ah, would like to have sex with the CEO. It's usually mutual.
Ray Gunn at 01:59 PM on 12/14/06
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There'll be a new one this year for us.

The "wish I was" (quite different from wannabe). The temp who took over for an unnamed editor who left us and who is forced to answer to the ex-editor's name because it's still on her old office door.