• Though they've broken up, social something-or-other Paris Hilton would still like to marry her rock n' roller friend Benji Madden. [Showbiz Spy]
• And screw weddings, says Jennifer Aniston! The Picture Perfect actor has turned down the proposal of her on-again-off-again beau John Mayer. [ShowbizSpy]
• Sad alien people Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and daughter Suri spent Earth Thanksgiving with British figurines David & Victoria Beckham, and their peculiarly named smaller editions. Everyone else is robots. [US]
• Shamed/glorified upscale call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre (boner of governors!) just wants to share her music with the world. It's like a cross between Joan Osborne and a hooker caterwauling drunkenly in an Atlantic City alleyway. [P6]
• Irish brogue rogue actor Colin Farrell was denied sex by a sexy US Army Reservist who is descended from Afghani royalty. That's like when Edwin Booth was denied courtship by General Lee's fetching grandniece. Or, not at all. History! [P6]
• Onion story funny, true. [The Onion]

Choice quotes from an early MSNBC review:

A scene where Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give the infamous “Heil Hitler” salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh," the source says. "His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Oh dear. Also:

“It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad... it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

We can't wait! [via Gold Derby]

• Ann Coulter's mouth was literally wired shut. Though the "leggy reactionary" can't talk, it's safe to assume she'd blame liberals. [P6]
• Paris Hilton was booed in a bar, because everyone collectively decided it is now time to viciously tear the starlet down. Just to make sure the last vestiges of dignity were truly eradicated, Hilton tried to win back ex Benji Madden, on the radio.
• Paul McCartney again creepily offered to serenade Michelle Obama. [Sun]
• Jermy Irons will learn to play the Irish fiddle in one of the most adorable and doomed reality shows ever devised. [Daily Star]
• Now that the actresses have all signed on to a second Sex And The City movie, all that's left is for a team of writers to work feverishly to write a non-depressing movie about how these women are STILL ordering cosmos and talking about dating. [Daily Star]
• Suri Cruise loves the paparazzi, and Tom Cruise knows it. [Daily Mail]

Image via Splash

• Anne Hathaway's new actor boyfriend "went after all the young heiresses" when he was at Brown University, which makes him as terrible for her as jailed fraudster Raffaello Follieri, according to Page Six's tipster. [P6]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent their second wedding anniversary apart, on opposite coasts. Make of that what you will. [Mail]
• The longtime editor-in-chief of Gourmet, Ruth Reichl couldn't get into her own party because she wasn't on the press list. I would not want to be that event planner. [P6]
• Sumner Redstone, purportedly to his ex-girlfriend on his ex-wife, in a restaurant: "I'm finally rid of her." [P6]
• Angelina Jolie forced husband Brad Pritt to make an angry call to his ex Jennifer Aniston, in which Pitt "went off" in a "quivering" voice. This according to the tabloid that reported that Aniston was pregnant with twins by John Mayer. [Star]
• After returning from a summer of TV filming in Spain, Gwyneth Paltrow didn't visit her husband but instead spent some private time with a Miami billionaire, including a jaunt on his yacht with Kate Hudson. [P6]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

Back in July, Paul Barressi, a private investigator who works for Tom Cruise, gave the Daily News court papers of Letterese's allegations, including this:

[ex-Scientologist Peter] Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer's wife answered, said he was her husband's homosexual lover.

So you can see why he holds a grudge. [FBLA, Previously]

• Michael Phelps is dating Barbara Walters' assistant "Marina," with whom he went to college. Wait, that's a fake name right?? Is someone playing a trick on poor old Cindy Adams? [Cindy Adams]
• What pairs well with xenophobia and shouting? Jay McInerney knows! At Benoit, "McInerney and his wife, Anne Hearst, had to calm down political commentator Robert Zimmerman, who'd just had a fierce on-air tangle with Lou Dobbs. Jay prescribed Zimmerman a bottle of 1991 Côte-Rôtie La Turque Domaine Guigal." Frog-loving traitors, all of them. [R&M, second-to-last item]
• Good Morning America defeated Today to score a live Britney Spears performance, leaving NBC suits "fuming," according to the NBC News-haters at the Post. Meanwhile, the singer is sane and cognizant enough to be terrified she's bungled one court case so badly she may go to jail. Her handlers take this as a positive sign!
• Alec Baldwin loved (second item) Sarah Palin's behavior off camera at Saturday Night Live, but Chevy Chase was less charitable about what she did on-camera: "She cannot improvise herself out of a paper bag."
• Elizabeth Taylor, 76, likes to be wheeled into a West Hollywood gay bar, where she drinks tequila shots and Apple martinis. They call them the golden years for a reason, people. [P6]
• Sean Penn is Venezuela, just hanging out, committing some light treason. [P6]
• Tom Cruise is a huge Tina Turner fan. In a very straight way, of course. [P6]
• Breaking: David Geffen still hates the Clintons. "They are vindictive, and people were afraid of being excluded." [R&M, third item]
• Sting's wife said she totally called the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce. She also allowed it to happen, by introducing the couple. So, uh, nice work, detective. Gwyneth Paltrow, meanwhile, is behaving like a real well-publicized celebrity friend.
• No one, and I mean no one, pisses in Shannon Doherty's bathroom unless her name is freaking Shannon Doherty. And don't ever forget it! [Daily Star]

youranalogbuddy's new line beats the original, "For Some Reason Tom Just Loves The Sailor Look."

"Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can't understand the way he conducts his life," the octogenarian told Elle magazine in a recent interview. She added that his "whole behavior is so shocking . . . inappropriate and vulgar." She was reacting to his breakup with wife Nicole Kidman, which occurred when Kidman accidentally burned herself on the radiator at their London home, causing her to suddenly snap out of the foggy hypnotic state she'd been in, like when Short Round burns Indy in Temple of Doom so he'll stop doing Mola Ram's bidding. [P6]

• Tom Cruise's Scientologist sister Lee Ann Devette is running his life again. But she's not doing publicity! Just his thoughts and so forth.
• Lindsay Lohan is seeking a protection order, like her Mom and sister have, to keep her press-hungry, trash-talking dad Michael away. [ P6]
• Mariah Carey is not going to announce her pregnancy on Oprah, in case you were wondering. Also, there will be no announcement at all, anywhere. Furthermore, Carey is not pregnant. God bless internet rumors. [Daily Star]
• Britney Spears dressed up like Uma Thurman dressed up like a character Quentin Tarantino created for Pulp Fiction in a similarly derivative fashion. It was for a music video. And thus ends Spears' long tradition of shocking originality. [DListed]

2CK's new line beats the original, "I've Got To Get Him Home, He's Getting Fussy."

Cruise was really low key. He was descended upon by a litany of producers—the only group of people in the house whose disposition and machinations are stranger than his own—at every. Available. Opportunity. He went backstage after the show; I imagine they waited quite a bit before coming out. Holmes didn't do any talking at all, it was all John Lithgow [doing the pre-show introductions]. When Martha Plimpton got there, she asked a friend: 'This is general admission? Shit.' She saw two of the boys from Coast Of Utopia and talked with them for five during intermission. It's a low-key night: most people are obliged by industry standards to keep their mouths shut and their camera phones off.

In fact, most industry people there were far too scared to say anything after the show, and I couldn't really get a word out of anybody I was with - pretty typical for a preview audience and industry - but everyone was especially guarded last night. Besides which, other than not sullying The Good Name Of Our Lady Cruise as pertains to their job, most people in the business don't give a shit about her. So it goes.

So everyone was quiet and scared around Tom Cruise. Makes sense to us.

• Tim Gunn of Project Runway thinks Katie Holmes is regressing, fashionwise, with the baggy jeans and overall tomboy look. But maybe husband Tom Cruise likes the tomboy look. Or, better still, hates it! Maybe she's regressing to more independent days. [People]
• Meanwhile, Cruise phoned up ole Liz Smith at the Post for some friendly chatter about how he doesn't "run United Artists, I just own it" and how his ousted business partner Paula Wagner "wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don't intend to stand in her way." [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan posted to her MySpace account a blog entry about her dad, who lashed out at her girlfriend Samantha Ronson for supposedly trying to exploit Lindsay's fame. "He has become a public embarrassment and a bully - to my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me... His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS - FAME." [Myspace via Sun]
• Maybe Eliot Spitzer's hooker Ashley Dupre ratted the then-governor out on behalf of her mob buddies? This idea was written by a private eye in an epilogue in the paperback edition of a book by an editor at CNBC. So it must be true. [P6]
• Magazine editors really like appearing on Gossip Girl. The next one is from Gotham. [P6]
• Onetime teen star McKenzie Phillips was arrested at LAX airpot trying to bring bags of cocaine and heroin through a security checkpoint. That's actually a useful trick for checking into rehab super quick. [National Enquirer]
• Naomi Campbell's Russian billionaire boyfriend bought her a $19 million apartment in a fancy part of Sao Paolo, Brazil. It comes with a complete staff of servants for her to brutalize. And extra cell phones! [P6]

• No one is buying tickets to go see Katie Holmes' big Broadway play even though she's basically killing herself trying to do the play and jet back to LA to see Tom Cruise and work out and raise her daughter. "She looked pretty groggy."
• Ricky Gervais is to join the "thick-necked... slangy" British expat community in New York after buying a Manhattan apartment with his girlfriend. The cost was about $1.7 million worthless American dollars, which is like 240 British pounds. Cheersmate. [Post]
• The nightclub 1Oak was accused of firing black and Asian waitresses to make the staff more white. The bosses assured everyone that four white waitresses were fired at the same time, for not upholding the very high standards of club waitressing. [P6]
• New York cops reportedly enjoy guarding anti-Scientology pickets. [R&M]
• A joke about Amy Winehouse won a big Scottish joke prize. [Daily Star]

Dunkin Donuts is putting ad screens on its checkout and pickup areas telling you to buy things and come back soon, respectively. Some stores are sticking video screens on the shelves, which flash ads at you based on what item you pick up off the shelf. Which seems like it would quickly get annoying. But the creepiest is the effort to read your face:

The company powering the screens for Dunkin', YCD Multimedia, is in the midst of deploying facial-recognition technologies that can classify people into certain demographic groups by identifying their approximate age and their sex.

Companies in the securities industries have been experimenting with facial-recognition technologies for some time. The technology often works by capturing an image of a person and using sophisticated algorithms to analyze features like the size and shape of the nose, eyes, cheekbones and jaw line — against databases of face information.

Hopefully you think this was cool in a good way:

[Excellent story by Emily Steel in the WSJ]

KarenUhOh's new line handily beats the original, "Smile Like I Just Goofed Your Floof Back at the House. Do It."

• Cruise was replaced by Angelina Jolie for the coveted starring role in CIA thriller Edwin A. Salt. The official line is that Cruise decided he didn't want to do the film because he's into comedies now, but...
• ...that doesn't wash with his embarrassing rejection for the next Mission Impossible series as described by Page Six. The Post gossip section said Cruise was "thought too old and too expensive to star" in the movie, and quoted a source claiming, "He had a tantrum and ran out of the meeting."
• Cruise's wife Katie Holmes is living in New York while she rehearses for her Broadway debut and entertains the kids. At the very least, the distance must be emotionally taxing for Cruise. Holmes jets back to Los Angeles to visit, most recently for the opening of Tropic Thunder, where Cruise has a successful turn as a satirized version of Sumner Redstone. But Holmes' move to New York was presaged by a tabloid report of a trial separation for the couple, followed by a report of time together at a Scientology "boot camp."
• Cruise was sufficiently alarmed to be named in a RICO suit against the Church of Scientology that his private investigator was dispatched to trash the plaintiff in the Daily News last month.
• In June, Cruise allowed his lawyer Bert Fields to compare television's Dr. Drew Pinksy to a Nazi.

Instead of letting Cruise try to fix everything with yet another round of Scientology auditing or whatever, perhaps it's time for Cruise's non-brainwashed Hollywood friends to stage an intervention (paging Jason Beghe).

[Post]

• Sad Tori Spelling is un-joining the 90210 spinoff because she's making like half as much as Shannen Doherty. Which is unfair because Spelling wrote a bestseller! Wait, really? (Yes. Sigh.) [Deadline Hollywood]
• A blogger successfully pissed off a real-life princess! Very awesome, New York Social Diary. [P6]
• Katie Holmes skipped a huge Scientology party in LA to take her daughter to see Mary Poppins in New York, where she's preparing for her Broadway debut in All My Sons. What does she have against flying on Tom Cruise's jet to Tom Cruise's crazy Scientology party?? [X17]
• Tom Cruise told Ben Stiller, "I want to have big hands," then did a crazy dance. Stiller: "If this thing was on YouTube, it would be all over the world." [Scoop, second item]
• Courtenay Semel, who is a lesbian and the daughter of the ex-CEO of Yahoo and who does spell her name like that, is officially having a fling with Tila Tequila. But she at least admits it's a publicity stunt. (Not being a lesbian, but being a Tila Tequila lesbian.) [P6]
• Paul McCartney might marry Nancy Shevell of the Hamptons. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Bill Cosby's daughter Evin, who has a boutique in Tribeca, has been told "you speak like a white woman," so she can totally relate to Barack Obama. In fact, maybe she should try emailing him about that! [R&M]
• Diane von Furstenburg, the designer and the wife of IAC honcho Barry Diller, made inappropriately racy dresses for Mena Suvari. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan requested the song "I kissed a girl" from Samantha Ronson, so let's all giggle. [Mirror]
• Gloria Gaynor is re-recording "I Will Survive," for some reason. Be afraid! Be petrified! [New York]
• Alex Rodriguez donated "at least" $500,000 to Madonna's charity for children in Malawi, supposedly. [R&M]

• Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 in February, childless and unwed. No one cares except the actress herself, who according to OK!'s source is "at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart" and according to Star's source is telling friends "it's my turn now" to have babies in the manner of a certain bitch who stole away a certain man from a certain starlet who is so not bitter and so totally over him. So Aniston is already planning the "Wedding Of The Year" even though, apparently, the groom hasn't even proposed yet?? Getting two tabloids involved is a bit much pressure on poor John Mayer, no?
• The entire British internet is convinced Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's magical new Scientology lord. There is a possible bump! Again! [Mirror]
• This blogger knows a girl who has been banging Matthew Broderick, but he won't get into that, because he doesn't believe in salacious gossip. [Cultural Capitol]
• John Stamos told a fairly awful joke about Mary-Kate Olsen at the roast for her Full House Dad Bob Saget, because apparently roasts used to be places where one could tell fairly awful jokes without having to worry about God damned TV cameras and so forth. [Perez]
• Actor James Franco hasn't even moved to New York yet and he's already met Graydon Carter. (Shameless. Flirt.) [P6]
• Tommy Hilfiger is no longer marrying Dee Ocleppo October 17. Supposedly it's amicable. [Post]
• Artie Lange, Howard Stern's sidekick, is headed to rehab. Real rehab, none of this stupid "rehab for depression" or "rehab for my stubbed toe" smokescreen BS. That means he's basically already completed the first step, right? [P6]
• Two professors of Oprahology have determined that a certain daytime talk show host controls the minds of approximately 1 million American voters. [P6]

In court papers provided to The News by investigator Paul Barresi, [ex-Scientologist Peter] Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer's wife answered, said he was her husband's homosexual lover.

Barresi, who has done investigative work on behalf of Cruise, tells us: "[Letterese] is just including a celebrity name to get attention."

If Cruise's man Barresi thinks alleged Scientology harassment victim Letterese is merely trying to get attention, why would he abet that process by providing documentation of his allegations to a tabloid?

Probably because, after all the video that has emerged over the past eight months, more people than ever are now primed to believe Letterese's allegation that Cruise is, in fact, something like the number two leader of the "scary" sect. Which would mean Letterese's court case, filed under the RICO statute used to prosecute mobsters, might not be ignored by the media. So Barresi is trying to get out in front of the story.

For now, that appears to involve providing some fairly benign quotes to the Daily News — an oddly limited role for an "investigator." One wonders what else Barresi has been — or will be — up to. The PI, after all, works for a man, Fields, who recently compared a celebrity doctor to Nazi sicko Joseph Goebbels after the doctor said Cruise may have been abused or neglected as a child (nevermind that Cruise actually was abused as a child). And, insofar as he is part of a triangle with Cruise and Fields, Barresi follows in the footsteps of Pellicano.

If nothing else, Barresi has signaled, by working with a tabloid, that Cruise and the Church of Scientology will treat aggressively those who seek to draw the Hollywood star and church hero in their legal battles with Scientology. And through his willingness to be identified and acknowledged in that tabloid, he signals that he wishes to be seen doing so, as well. Prospective church critics will no doubt take note.

[Daily News]

The interview, for me, went clearly haywire right about here:

“I’ve tried to stay fit, you know, because it’s my instrument, this is my violin,” he said, gesturing over his body. “I play the violin. So I want to keep it tuned up …. So I work out there during the day, and then I write.”

This is my instrument? Surely profile author Spencer Morgan left out a "with a chuckle" or "jokingly" somewhere. Like, say, at the end of this:

“I go in spurts,” he said. Upcoming Goot pictures include Mojave Phone Booth, about a phone booth in the middle of the desert, and Major Movie Star, in which he plays Jessica Simpson’s dad. “I guess that’s just an artist’s life,” he said, gazing out over the park [and making that jack-off motion with his fingers?? and ironically holding up a copy of Police Academy 4: Citizens Patrol and grinning like a maniac?].

Guttenberg also says, seemingly appropos of nothing, after calling himself a "seducer," that "the meek will inherit the earth... so be nice to the meek. The old man spitting on the corner. The janitor cleaning up. The man behind the counter at the convenience store. Those are our people—that guy driving that truck—they make the world go."

That non-sequitur is still ringing in your ears (along with the cheesy, swelling orchestral score you'd expect to accompany Guttenberg's soliloquy at the end of some cornball flick from, yes, the 1980s) when the actor starts spilling his guts about his drinking:

“I indulge in wine, and I love vodka, I do,” he said. “And I love scotch, you know. And I love weed. And I love women. And I do have, you know, those … Addiction is such an overused word."

Um....

I’ll go out with women, because it’ll make me feel better. Women that I shouldn’t be around, but maybe they’ll make me feel better.”
He estimated that he’s dated some 600 women, but still hasn’t found Mrs. Right.

Steve, maybe you should end the interview before you dig yourself in any dee...

“I’ll lie to make myself feel better,” he said. “If I feel shitty, and someone says, ‘What are you working on,’ I’ll get really pissed off and go, ‘Yeah I’m doing a thriller with, you know, George Clooney.’ I make myself feel better by that—that’s an addiction to whatever that is, to make myself feel better, to take the pain away.”

OK, well, it's time to update Wikipedia or something, because none of this is in there. Anyway, Steve, it's been nice catching up, great seeing you, catch you maybe at the 30-year reunion and, hey, don't ever change old buddy!

[Observer]

• Cop-slugging reporter Alycia Lane sued her former employer, saying the Philly TV station pushed her into an embarassing Dr. Phil interview, as though there is any other kind. [AP]
• Someone wrote an entire song about the night he, then a bartender, punched a rude Russell Crowe in the face. Crowe's flack artfully said Crowe may not "know anything about" the incident, except that it's not true. Convincing. [P6]
• Mike Myers is supposedly some sort of tyrant who demands that Late Night With Conan O'Brien interns fetch him Twizzlers, raspberry seltzer and soy milk. That's a joke, right? You can't be a non-child-star tyrant with that list of demands. [P6]
• Toby Young doesn't think his former Vanity Fair boss Graydon Carter will give any magazine love to Young's Carter-slamming movie. [YoungManhattanite via P6]
• Town & Country magazine just loves this little place in Ireland run by a kiddie porn collector. [P6]
• Britney Spears's 17-year-old sister Jamie-Lynn gave birth to a baby girl, Maddie Briann, not via c-section, in case you were wondering.
• The issue of Vanity Fair with 15-year-old Miley Cyrus' scandalous photo shoot is hot in prisons acorss the country, so Cyrus has been deluged with thousands of, uh, supportive letters. According to HollyScoop, "that's what ya get for posing half naked." Yes, she deserves to be hounded by horny felons. [HollyScoop]
• Katie Holmes sent a $2,000 "congrats-on-getting-knocked-up-ps-help-I'm-being-held-prisoner" gift basket to her husband Tom Cruise's ex-wife, Nicole Kidman. [OK!]

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]
• Premium seats for Broadway's All My Sons will sell for $251, as opposed to the usual $100, because of sudden surge in the popularity of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Arthur Miller. Ha ha, just kidding, it's because the play features Katie Holmes, the middling movie star married to insane cultist Tom Cruise. The market works! [E!]
• The threesome involving Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem takes up less than 20 seconds of Woody Allen's new movie, according to Allen, but the marketing department is going to milk those precious seconds for all they are worth, starting with the poster.
• OMG a fashiongay is going to ruin the Obama campaign! "Some Dems fear that in the months ahead, [Andre Leon] Talley, a huge fan of Oscar de la Renta, will steer Michelle into a Bolero jacket or an outfit even more ill-advised." Yes, a big public fight about which expensive outfits Michelle Obama should wear is just what Barack "Elite" Obama needs right now. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus' dad, country music star Bill Ray Cyrus, revealed that he left the Vanity Fair photo shoot before Annie Leibovitz took the infamous picture of his daughter in a bed sheet. "Stuff happens. That's life... It's not a mistake to me." [Daily Star]
• Here's a picture of Kate Moss flashing her boobs in Turkey and setting back Islamic/Western relations 20 more years. [Sun]
• Ashey Olsen went public with her dalliance with movie star Justin Bartha, then proceeded to get way too cutesy: "Told they had a reserved love seat in the theater, Olsen affectionately rubbed Bartha's back and giggled, 'That sounds good!'" Awww... barf.
• Matthew McConaughey's wife is pregnant, so he went "surfing" in Nicaragua alone, which of course means mostly carousing in bars. He denies hitting on various women, but admits to losing his left flip-flop, and even offers a reward, which is JUST bizarre enough to make you forget about the cheating. Smarter than he looks. [R&M]
• Police have been searching for Sam Israel, a hedge funder they think faked his own suicide just before starting a 20-year-prison sentence. But it turns out he thinks he can time travel, so the Post wonders if he "FLED TO THE PAST?"
• If her friends weren't here, Naomi Campbell would totally stab you! And then come back the next day to apologize! And then try to put the incident behind her! [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears is selling her house, which means the paprazzi will leave and broke neighbor Ed McMahon may finally be able to sell his place. Spears will be destroying property values in Encino next. [E!]

«JeffieJeff» I get tickets to the red carpet, I’m happy. Photos of me and Cruise smiling ends the war. Last thing I will say.
«cockysoldier [the Scientologist]» i hate the fucken war guy
«cockysoldier» take care
«JeffieJeff» Cruise calls - I’ll answer
«cockysoldier» he is starting his cable compnay
«cockysoldier» are you pissed at me

If Cruise were, indeed, starti