Gawker
The image at right (click to enlarge) probably won't be on the newsstands until 10 A.M. or so, but we don't see why you should wait for the news: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you'll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn't you?
The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we're sure), but according to Us Weekly's scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.
The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica's "diva" behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, "Jessica's the problem. She's not the girl America fell in love with anymore." Oh, young America, were you ever really in love with her? Or were you just lusting? C'mon, be honest.
And now, a moment of silence, please, so that we might hear the sound of every magazine editor in town simultaneously shitting themselves.
Comments
Tres tragic.
I hope that Nick comes out on the Justin Timberlake end of this relationship, while we get to see Jessica marry a piece of white trash and then get really fat (baby or no.)
Who do you think signed their book deal first? Poor Nick is going to need the money, even when he moves back to Ohio.
Well put Zulkey. I could not agree with you more!
I love it.
Nick will be fine. He had that one break out hit song...ohhhh what was it??? oh well, back to Ohio it is. The next 'Newlyweds' season is going to be pretty awkward.
Yeah, poor poor Nick. I'm sure he unconditionally loved her big fake tits.
So now that we know that the divorce "rumor" is true, what about all of those sexuality rumors? Hmmm?
Wow I hope they sell a ton of issues! They totally deserve it with a scoop like that!!! I mean, if they sell enough copies, then maybe they can finally afford to pay the contributors to their "Fashion Police"! [I contributed to US Weekly's FAPOL, as it's called in the biz, rather regularly for 6 years, and like crime, it doesn't pay. No, seriously, I'm talking $0/word. But after 4 years of doing it, some writers successfully campaigned and got free copies of the mag. Not a free subscription, mind you, just one copy of each issue we appeared in. Who needs a union when you can extract terms like those? Not me!]
Nick will prevail here. America is done with this girl. Now, can somebody PLEASE get Johnny Knoxville on the line to confirm how awful she is in bed?
No matter what shit Jessica pulled, can you imagine sticking it out with a boybander who went solo with an album called SoulO? Come on, people, SoulO. SoulO. Sexuality rumors? This was a sham marriage for the last year and a half kept alive by MTV. I'm sure these two highly recognizable (ie fuckable) folks were staying true. She and Bam Margera just slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. I swear.
I'm crying as I type this. I weep for the embarrassingly named children they will never bring into this world. No Apple. No Kal-El. No Pilot Inspektor! And, yet, I'm wondering how many nanoseconds it will be until Jessica hooks up with either Wilmer Valderrama, Scott Sartiano or Paris Latsis, or until the pics of her and CaCee Cobb in a lesbionic embrace emerge.
Well maybe Ashlee will mouth an appropriately sad song on SNL this weekend.
Here's rooting for a Nicole Kidman style PR victory from Nick. All he neeed to do is sing his heart out in a postmodern Baz Luhrmann muscial, have an ill-timed miscarriage, and get nominated for a coupla' Oscars. If anyone can pull it off, it's Nick.
I'm thinking a Kelly Clarkson cover (sung channeling Jessica's perspective) would be more apropos: Here's the thing, we started off friends It was cool but it was all pretend Yeah yeah Since you've been gone ... Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so movin' on Yeah yeah...
This is an exciting time to be a young hot wealthy actor/club owner. Paris Hilton, in a testament to why we love her, broke up both Chad Michael Murray (they shot House of Wax together) and Sophia Bush and Mary-Kate Olsen and Stavros Niarchos (Greek shipping heir no. 2), before dumping Paris Latsis. Both Simpsons are now on the loose. And really how long can we expect Mischa Barton to stay with scraggly Kimberly Stewart ex Cisco Adler before Stewart sicks Hilton on Adler to get her revenge. And on a lesser note, Jamie-Lynn DiScala nee Sigler is up for grabs.
Our good pal Perez Hilton more than hinted at this announcement yesterday. in any case, we're sure it's all Jessica's fault
This is terrible. If we can't count on Nick and Jessica to stay together in these troubled times, who CAN we count on? They were my example of true love and fidelity in Hollywood. Thank God we still have Tom and Katie!
The divorce news is less surprising to me than Jessica's preference for whiskey on the rocks. This whole time I imagined her drinking some sort of Christian juice box at events/parties.
we might hear the sound of every magazine editor in town simultaneously shitting themselves. Remnick is so all over this. (I'm picturing something like out of The Front Page: "McPhee! You go talk to the mechanic who changes the oil in their Stretchcalade and tell me how he's taking the news! Orlean, you're headed off to talk to the rest of 98 Degrees...make it like "Meet The Shaggs", or your ass is in a sling! Frere-Jones, you're gonna re-analyze all her albums and tell us how we saw it coming. And Gladwell, ah hell: just give us some of your patented counter-intuitive stuff -- enough to keep the Freakonomics guys off our tail. Waitasec! We don't have anyone left to go to the official breakup announcement and stroke the publicists! Oh, that's right -- I forgot we had Lillian Ross around here someplace."
hey, my comment disappeared. Was it not libelous enough or something?
Dith really hit the nail on the proverbial head re: PR victory for Nick . I mean afterall, ours are the times of reinvention of self and Nick is sure to cash in.
My only hope daddy Joe, in a misguided attempt to save from becoming a huge whore, marries Jessica himself. They will have one deformed incest baby, name it something ridiculous, and split a year later.
Clearly one of them finally finished reading "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken." I'm guessing it was Nick...
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