• Though they've broken up, social something-or-other Paris Hilton would still like to marry her rock n' roller friend Benji Madden. [Showbiz Spy]
• And screw weddings, says Jennifer Aniston! The Picture Perfect actor has turned down the proposal of her on-again-off-again beau John Mayer. [ShowbizSpy]
• Sad alien people Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and daughter Suri spent Earth Thanksgiving with British figurines David & Victoria Beckham, and their peculiarly named smaller editions. Everyone else is robots. [US]
• Shamed/glorified upscale call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre (boner of governors!) just wants to share her music with the world. It's like a cross between Joan Osborne and a hooker caterwauling drunkenly in an Atlantic City alleyway. [P6]
• Irish brogue rogue actor Colin Farrell was denied sex by a sexy US Army Reservist who is descended from Afghani royalty. That's like when Edwin Booth was denied courtship by General Lee's fetching grandniece. Or, not at all. History! [P6]
• Onion story funny, true. [The Onion]

Image via Splash

• Anne Hathaway's new actor boyfriend "went after all the young heiresses" when he was at Brown University, which makes him as terrible for her as jailed fraudster Raffaello Follieri, according to Page Six's tipster. [P6]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent their second wedding anniversary apart, on opposite coasts. Make of that what you will. [Mail]
• The longtime editor-in-chief of Gourmet, Ruth Reichl couldn't get into her own party because she wasn't on the press list. I would not want to be that event planner. [P6]
• Sumner Redstone, purportedly to his ex-girlfriend on his ex-wife, in a restaurant: "I'm finally rid of her." [P6]
• Angelina Jolie forced husband Brad Pritt to make an angry call to his ex Jennifer Aniston, in which Pitt "went off" in a "quivering" voice. This according to the tabloid that reported that Aniston was pregnant with twins by John Mayer. [Star]
• After returning from a summer of TV filming in Spain, Gwyneth Paltrow didn't visit her husband but instead spent some private time with a Miami billionaire, including a jaunt on his yacht with Kate Hudson. [P6]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

uninspired's inspired new line beats the original, Katie Holmes Missing A Tooth.

Ben Brantley of the New York Times seems to think she's trying just a bit too hard:

And while Ann is supposed to arrive at the Keller household with high hopes and good intentions, Ms. Holmes delivers most of her lines with meaningful asperity, italicizing every word. This Ann is straight from the school of the Erinyes (those avenging furies from Greek mythology), and I didn’t believe for a second that she really loved the honorable, naïve Chris.

Clive Barnes over at the Post doesn't have much to say, other than describing her as "coltish" and "looking tough under a glossy wig." Hm. Wigs are always fun!

The Daily News' Joe Dziemianowicz is a little more positive:

Holmes, a TV and film vet, makes a fine Broadway debut. Her rather grand speech pattern takes getting used to, but she seems comfortable and adds a fitting glint of glamour. Dancing with Lithgow, kissing Wilson, she makes you forget about her being Mrs. Tom Cruise. At times, however, Holmes is strangely shrill.

Yes, "strangely shrill" sounds about right.

And finally Melissa Rose Bernardo of Entertainment Weekly thinks she's just OK:

After a painfully awkward first scene, she relaxes a bit; she's at her best opposite Wilson, who's terrifically cast as Sons' moral compass.

So good notes for the boys, some pluses for Dianne Wiest, and mostly "meh"s for Mrs. Cruise. Well, at least it wasn't a complete disaster.

[Photo: Sarah Krulwich for the 'New York Times']

youranalogbuddy's new line beats the original, "For Some Reason Tom Just Loves The Sailor Look."

"Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can't understand the way he conducts his life," the octogenarian told Elle magazine in a recent interview. She added that his "whole behavior is so shocking . . . inappropriate and vulgar." She was reacting to his breakup with wife Nicole Kidman, which occurred when Kidman accidentally burned herself on the radiator at their London home, causing her to suddenly snap out of the foggy hypnotic state she'd been in, like when Short Round burns Indy in Temple of Doom so he'll stop doing Mola Ram's bidding. [P6]

fileunder's new line beats the original, "Ha Ha. No, No. I Just Call 911 Sometimes Just To See If It's Working. Nope. Nothing... Wrong."

• People snagged those Clay Aiken baby pictures for $500,000 after newly-frugal OK! dropped out of the bidding. [P6]
• Janet Jackson was hospitalized after getting sick right before a concert. [AP]
• Cindy Adams had Republican operative Ed Rollins walk through how Sarah Palin would be prepped for the debates, if the purely hypothetical case she were anything like a normal vice presidential candidate. [Post]
• When she was a beauty pageant contestant,Palin used to stick plaster over her nipples to keep her nipples from showing,one of her fellow contestants said. [R&M]
• Some whiny West Village busybody actually thought Page Six would care that Blake Lively lets her poodle run around the sidewalk off-leash, because that's against the rules. And that busybody was correct! [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are considering adopting a seventh child, this time for the benefit of the continent of South America. [Daily Mail]
• A rich guy is giving $25,000 for Howard Stern's fiancee to run a marathon. [P6]
• Britney Spears re-denied the recurring rumor that she made a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib. The singer did say she plans a world tour next year. And yet Spears' lawyers said she's too crazy to stand trial for driving without a license.
• Katie Holmes has switched from her baggy, trendsetting "boyfriend jeans" to bell bottoms. She's just cycling through the fashion trends (and nostalgic outbreaks) of the last 20 years at her own pace. [Sun]
• Paul Newman has already been cremated and his funeral convened. [P6]
• George Michael is going on an African safari to deal with his drug and public-bathroom sex issues. [Fametastic]

2CK's new line beats the original, "I've Got To Get Him Home, He's Getting Fussy."

Cruise was really low key. He was descended upon by a litany of producers—the only group of people in the house whose disposition and machinations are stranger than his own—at every. Available. Opportunity. He went backstage after the show; I imagine they waited quite a bit before coming out. Holmes didn't do any talking at all, it was all John Lithgow [doing the pre-show introductions]. When Martha Plimpton got there, she asked a friend: 'This is general admission? Shit.' She saw two of the boys from Coast Of Utopia and talked with them for five during intermission. It's a low-key night: most people are obliged by industry standards to keep their mouths shut and their camera phones off.

In fact, most industry people there were far too scared to say anything after the show, and I couldn't really get a word out of anybody I was with - pretty typical for a preview audience and industry - but everyone was especially guarded last night. Besides which, other than not sullying The Good Name Of Our Lady Cruise as pertains to their job, most people in the business don't give a shit about her. So it goes.

So everyone was quiet and scared around Tom Cruise. Makes sense to us.

• Katie Holmes got a visit from concerned ex-boyfriend and former Dawson's Creek co-star Joshua Jackson at rehearsals for her Broadway play, a British magazine reported. Jackson had this crazy idea that Holmes has been sucked into an isolating Scientology vortex, but Holmes was still thrilled to see and de-Thetanize him. [Showbiz Spy]
• For her landmark meeting with an ex, Jennifer Aniston needed two friends along for moral support. Her drink with Brad Pitt marked their first reunion since divorcing in 2005. [Sun]
• Mary-Kate Olsen at Fashion Week: Wearing black nail polish, drinking a Peroni. [Sun]
• A Vogue photographer flew over from London to snap pictures of Britney Spears. Hmm. [Post]
• Heather Mills wants nearly $2 million for her roman a clef. [Mail]
• It's legal to auction a virgin in certain parts of Nevada, and Howard Stern will not let this situation go unexploited. [R&M]
• Jennifer Lopez will be a judge on the season finale of Project Runway. Then she'll run a triathlon. Everything seems easy after giving birth to twins. [Us]
• Lil' Wayne stomped away from his Fashion Show performance because security refused to accept that guns and drugs are just other types of accessories. [P6]
• Ashton Kutcher, high school football coach. [P6]
• Michael Jackson's unwashed underwear, collected as evidence in the usuccessful molestation case against him, somehow ended up for auction on EBay with a reserve price of $1 million. [P6]
• Sad Madonna can't sell out a New York venue like Miley Cyrus can. [Post]
• Minnie Driver and her boyfriend had a son named Henry. [People]

• It's not that Kevin Spacey wanted to pull down his friend's boxer shorts so much as that Croatian nightclub tradition basically required him to do so. [LA Rag Mag]
• Anti-Scientology group Anonymous plans to picket the Oct. 16 opening of Katie Holmes's Broadway Debut, All My Sons. [Scoop]
• Lindsay Lohan skipped the wake of her grandfather on her crazy dad's side to do some shopping. [Sun]
• Helen Mirren quit cocaine once she had a good reason to, and not a second before. [Guardian]
• Drunk John Mayer told an audience, "I had a conversation recently, and a lot of tears were exchanged." Then the Jennifer Aniston ex went to a club with a blonde cocktail waitress. [People]
• Hugh Grant has been squiring a new fashion designer girlfriend around the Hamptons. [OK!]
• Madonna's roadies don't like staying in seedy hotels and flying coach. Now they know how her brother felt! (Entitled.) [Fametastic]

• Tim Gunn of Project Runway thinks Katie Holmes is regressing, fashionwise, with the baggy jeans and overall tomboy look. But maybe husband Tom Cruise likes the tomboy look. Or, better still, hates it! Maybe she's regressing to more independent days. [People]
• Meanwhile, Cruise phoned up ole Liz Smith at the Post for some friendly chatter about how he doesn't "run United Artists, I just own it" and how his ousted business partner Paula Wagner "wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don't intend to stand in her way." [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan posted to her MySpace account a blog entry about her dad, who lashed out at her girlfriend Samantha Ronson for supposedly trying to exploit Lindsay's fame. "He has become a public embarrassment and a bully - to my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me... His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS - FAME." [Myspace via Sun]
• Maybe Eliot Spitzer's hooker Ashley Dupre ratted the then-governor out on behalf of her mob buddies? This idea was written by a private eye in an epilogue in the paperback edition of a book by an editor at CNBC. So it must be true. [P6]
• Magazine editors really like appearing on Gossip Girl. The next one is from Gotham. [P6]
• Onetime teen star McKenzie Phillips was arrested at LAX airpot trying to bring bags of cocaine and heroin through a security checkpoint. That's actually a useful trick for checking into rehab super quick. [National Enquirer]
• Naomi Campbell's Russian billionaire boyfriend bought her a $19 million apartment in a fancy part of Sao Paolo, Brazil. It comes with a complete staff of servants for her to brutalize. And extra cell phones! [P6]

• No one is buying tickets to go see Katie Holmes' big Broadway play even though she's basically killing herself trying to do the play and jet back to LA to see Tom Cruise and work out and raise her daughter. "She looked pretty groggy."
• Ricky Gervais is to join the "thick-necked... slangy" British expat community in New York after buying a Manhattan apartment with his girlfriend. The cost was about $1.7 million worthless American dollars, which is like 240 British pounds. Cheersmate. [Post]
• The nightclub 1Oak was accused of firing black and Asian waitresses to make the staff more white. The bosses assured everyone that four white waitresses were fired at the same time, for not upholding the very high standards of club waitressing. [P6]
• New York cops reportedly enjoy guarding anti-Scientology pickets. [R&M]
• A joke about Amy Winehouse won a big Scottish joke prize. [Daily Star]

KarenUhOh's new line handily beats the original, "Smile Like I Just Goofed Your Floof Back at the House. Do It."

• Sad Tori Spelling is un-joining the 90210 spinoff because she's making like half as much as Shannen Doherty. Which is unfair because Spelling wrote a bestseller! Wait, really? (Yes. Sigh.) [Deadline Hollywood]
• A blogger successfully pissed off a real-life princess! Very awesome, New York Social Diary. [P6]
• Katie Holmes skipped a huge Scientology party in LA to take her daughter to see Mary Poppins in New York, where she's preparing for her Broadway debut in All My Sons. What does she have against flying on Tom Cruise's jet to Tom Cruise's crazy Scientology party?? [X17]
• Tom Cruise told Ben Stiller, "I want to have big hands," then did a crazy dance. Stiller: "If this thing was on YouTube, it would be all over the world." [Scoop, second item]
• Courtenay Semel, who is a lesbian and the daughter of the ex-CEO of Yahoo and who does spell her name like that, is officially having a fling with Tila Tequila. But she at least admits it's a publicity stunt. (Not being a lesbian, but being a Tila Tequila lesbian.) [P6]
• Paul McCartney might marry Nancy Shevell of the Hamptons. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Bill Cosby's daughter Evin, who has a boutique in Tribeca, has been told "you speak like a white woman," so she can totally relate to Barack Obama. In fact, maybe she should try emailing him about that! [R&M]
• Diane von Furstenburg, the designer and the wife of IAC honcho Barry Diller, made inappropriately racy dresses for Mena Suvari. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan requested the song "I kissed a girl" from Samantha Ronson, so let's all giggle. [Mirror]
• Gloria Gaynor is re-recording "I Will Survive," for some reason. Be afraid! Be petrified! [New York]
• Alex Rodriguez donated "at least" $500,000 to Madonna's charity for children in Malawi, supposedly. [R&M]

Steverino_Begins' new line beats the original, Small Child Perfectly Embodies Correct Reaction To Celebrity Media Frenzy.

• Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 in February, childless and unwed. No one cares except the actress herself, who according to OK!'s source is "at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart" and according to Star's source is telling friends "it's my turn now" to have babies in the manner of a certain bitch who stole away a certain man from a certain starlet who is so not bitter and so totally over him. So Aniston is already planning the "Wedding Of The Year" even though, apparently, the groom hasn't even proposed yet?? Getting two tabloids involved is a bit much pressure on poor John Mayer, no?
• The entire British internet is convinced Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's magical new Scientology lord. There is a possible bump! Again! [Mirror]
• This blogger knows a girl who has been banging Matthew Broderick, but he won't get into that, because he doesn't believe in salacious gossip. [Cultural Capitol]
• John Stamos told a fairly awful joke about Mary-Kate Olsen at the roast for her Full House Dad Bob Saget, because apparently roasts used to be places where one could tell fairly awful jokes without having to worry about God damned TV cameras and so forth. [Perez]
• Actor James Franco hasn't even moved to New York yet and he's already met Graydon Carter. (Shameless. Flirt.) [P6]
• Tommy Hilfiger is no longer marrying Dee Ocleppo October 17. Supposedly it's amicable. [Post]
• Artie Lange, Howard Stern's sidekick, is headed to rehab. Real rehab, none of this stupid "rehab for depression" or "rehab for my stubbed toe" smokescreen BS. That means he's basically already completed the first step, right? [P6]
• Two professors of Oprahology have determined that a certain daytime talk show host controls the minds of approximately 1 million American voters. [P6]

Steverino_Begins' new line beats the original, Brief Wish For a Whole Different Life Pauses Actress For a Second, Then Computer Chip In Head Blinks Back On

• Courtenay Semel, lesbian daughter of Yahoo's CEO was dating heiress Casey Johnson until a drunken hookup with Tila Tequila at some party. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson totally giggled. [P6]
• The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie twin pictures supposedly just sold for around $15 million, and not to People or OK! but to Hello!. [Mail]
• Heath Ledger's ex-wife Michelle Williams has taken up with director Spike Jonze. [Mail]
• Chace Crawford's close friend/roomate Ed Westwick is into girls! He holds their hands and everything. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton is not about to watch that ad where John McCain tries to use video of her to bludgeon Barack Obama because, really, that would mean getting up to speed on so, so many different things. Reading=ughs. [E!]
• Katie Holmes is into firefighters, and/or free press, and/or potential Scientology recruits. [E!]
• Whether she was in a swimming pool with him in Mexico or not, Britney Spears is not officially dating that former Israeli soldier guy, her manager would like everyone to know. And the guy is not a bodyguard, he's a "staff photographer." Yes, point out that he's a photographer, why don't you, since we know Britney is totally not into those. [Showbiz Spy]
• Spears' dad, meanwhile, retains control over her money and "personal affairs" until December 31. "Miss Spears was reluctant to agree to the extension of her conservatorship." [ET]

• Cop-slugging reporter Alycia Lane sued her former employer, saying the Philly TV station pushed her into an embarassing Dr. Phil interview, as though there is any other kind. [AP]
• Someone wrote an entire song about the night he, then a bartender, punched a rude Russell Crowe in the face. Crowe's flack artfully said Crowe may not "know anything about" the incident, except that it's not true. Convincing. [P6]
• Mike Myers is supposedly some sort of tyrant who demands that Late Night With Conan O'Brien interns fetch him Twizzlers, raspberry seltzer and soy milk. That's a joke, right? You can't be a non-child-star tyrant with that list of demands. [P6]
• Toby Young doesn't think his former Vanity Fair boss Graydon Carter will give any magazine love to Young's Carter-slamming movie. [YoungManhattanite via P6]
• Town & Country magazine just loves this little place in Ireland run by a kiddie porn collector. [P6]
• Britney Spears's 17-year-old sister Jamie-Lynn gave birth to a baby girl, Maddie Briann, not via c-section, in case you were wondering.
• The issue of Vanity Fair with 15-year-old Miley Cyrus' scandalous photo shoot is hot in prisons acorss the country, so Cyrus has been deluged with thousands of, uh, supportive letters. According to HollyScoop, "that's what ya get for posing half naked." Yes, she deserves to be hounded by horny felons. [HollyScoop]
• Katie Holmes sent a $2,000 "congrats-on-getting-knocked-up-ps-help-I'm-being-held-prisoner" gift basket to her husband Tom Cruise's ex-wife, Nicole Kidman. [OK!]

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n—--r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]
• Yesterday, everyone was worried fashiongay Andre Leon Talley would ruin Michelle Obama by putting her in a bolero jacket or some other atrocious thing. He hasn't done that yet. Instead, the Vogue editor-at-large introduced the would-be first lady at a fashion-industry fundraiser while he was wearing "a kind of turban that recalled the much-discussed costume [Barack Obama] once wore in Somalia." No one should have a problem with Obama hanging out with what looks like a gay muslim, even an elitist gay fashion muslim in New York, so obviously no one, anywhere, will. [R&M]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway break up with her scuzzy Italian boyfriend, she also moved out. Yay! But what's this business about dinner at Cipriani? [P6]
• Relentlessly cranky novelist Tom Wolfe demanded to know why a developer insinuated he was anti-Semitic. OK, this time he might have a legitimate reason to be cranky. [P6]
• Broadway and former TV star Mario Lopez is being named People's "Hottest Bachelor," but he's still totally getting evicted from his Broadway theater to make way for Katie Holmes. The guy's biceps can't catch a break.
• Supposedly Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt just bought a $10,000 stash of guns, including "two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle." Suddenly, I'm kind of interested in seeing them in front of some reality television cameras again. Near other reality television stars. While drunk and angry. [The Superficial]
• So sad: Freeloading music critics get free drinks, but no free food, at a listening party. They stormed out in a huff, logically. [P6]
• The mother of 50 Cent's 11-year-old son claims the rapper burned down her Long Island mansion. He claims she totally monitors his cell-phone conversations with the son. Call it a draw? [R&M]

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]
• Premium seats for Broadway's All My Sons will sell for $251, as opposed to the usual $100, because of sudden surge in the popularity of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Arthur Miller. Ha ha, just kidding, it's because the play features Katie Holmes, the middling movie star married to insane cultist Tom Cruise. The market works! [E!]
• The threesome involving Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem takes up less than 20 seconds of Woody Allen's new movie, according to Allen, but the marketing department is going to milk those precious seconds for all they are worth, starting with the poster.
• OMG a fashiongay is going to ruin the Obama campaign! "Some Dems fear that in the months ahead, [Andre Leon] Talley, a huge fan of Oscar de la Renta, will steer Michelle into a Bolero jacket or an outfit even more ill-advised." Yes, a big public fight about which expensive outfits Michelle Obama should wear is just what Barack "Elite" Obama needs right now. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus' dad, country music star Bill Ray Cyrus, revealed that he left the Vanity Fair photo shoot before Annie Leibovitz took the infamous picture of his daughter in a bed sheet. "Stuff happens. That's life... It's not a mistake to me." [Daily Star]
• Here's a picture of Kate Moss flashing her boobs in Turkey and setting back Islamic/Western relations 20 more years. [Sun]
• Ashey Olsen went public with her dalliance with movie star Justin Bartha, then proceeded to get way too cutesy: "Told they had a reserved love seat in the theater, Olsen affectionately rubbed Bartha's back and giggled, 'That sounds good!'" Awww... barf.
• Matthew McConaughey's wife is pregnant, so he went "surfing" in Nicaragua alone, which of course means mostly carousing in bars. He denies hitting on various women, but admits to losing his left flip-flop, and even offers a reward, which is JUST bizarre enough to make you forget about the cheating. Smarter than he looks. [R&M]
• Police have been searching for Sam Israel, a hedge funder they think faked his own suicide just before starting a 20-year-prison sentence. But it turns out he thinks he can time travel, so the Post wonders if he "FLED TO THE PAST?"
• If her friends weren't here, Naomi Campbell would totally stab you! And then come back the next day to apologize! And then try to put the incident behind her! [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears is selling her house, which means the paprazzi will leave and broke neighbor Ed McMahon may finally be able to sell his place. Spears will be destroying property values in Encino next. [E!]