Gawker
When you make words for a living, you will inevitably find yourself drawn into certain ruts of repetition. That's why you'll see the same tired clich
s popping up in the same media outlets, or often in the writing produced by the same people. Blogs are no different, and are in fact worse — the increased breadth and depth of volume encourages mass overuse of an even longer list of lazy jokes, references, and turns of phrase. And blog comments and discussions recycle the same slop with alarming regularity. We're as guilty as anyone of these crimes, and likely more guilty than some. We're willing to admit there's a problem though, just like at AA, so we're cataloguing the worst offenders far and wide. After the jump, an annotated list of words, phrases, and terms that have long overstayed their welcome in the media-blogosphere. Send in your own, and as always, feel free to chime in comment-wise.
Best. [ultimate thing or experience.] Ever/Evar.
Likely originating in the reverse ("worst [x] ever"), this clich
still has a deathgrip on the media, in all its sincere and sarcastic permutations. It's usually taken to mean a state of permanent, perpetual bestness, which is of course unsustainable. Sooner or later, something will not be the best [x] ever, and this phrase is a perfect example.
[undesirable counter-example], not so much.
The punchline that ends a thousand million columns and blog posts. Weak as the lightest of lite beers, or the puny farts you get from such beer.
FTW, O RLY, lol, FTL, OMG, FWIW, btw, PWND, ROTFL, etc.
These are borderline acceptable if you're instant messaging, speed-typing while online gaming, or expressing approval of a pornographic image posted to your favorite kink forum. Beyond that, stop it. Even if your audience uses these expressions in daily life, such practice should not be encouraged. Self-consciously peppering normal discourse with geekspeak acronyms (especially when used in conjunction with non-geek subjects) no longer rescues your words by way of anti-coolness. See also: "teh" anything.
[negative experience, situation, or description]; I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
In a rare sane move, most writers realize this one is dead, and thus avoid it. However, only when "threw up in my mouth" is completely exterminated from the world consciousness may we all rest in peace.
[purposefully non-ghetto statement], yo.
Often used in conjunction other ghetto nonfabulous phrases like "Oh snap!" and "The [object or situation] was mad [obscure adjective]," the ubiquitous "yo" is a red flag of caucasianness, or at least non-blackness, or certainly anti-hipness. See also "haterade," "shizzle," and so on. One waves the flag to signal and suborn the anti-cool nature of the associated prose, but these days, "yo" and its ghetto-term relations sound tired even when uttered by actual ghetto residents.
[undesirable conclusion]. Oy.
Even more so than fake ghettospeak, fake Jewspeak has been completely drained of impact, which perversely has made it even more prevalent in media and blogs (due to the well-known Jewish control of both). "Oy" in particular is a universally pointless and fantastically lazy way to express discontent without actually saying anything.
[amazed paraphrase of opposing position]. Seriously? Seriously?
Deadly serious in fact. The prose equivalent of telling a bad joke, wiggling your eyebrows, and saying "Eh? Eh? Eh? Am I right?" to your readers.
What's next? [outlandish scenario]?
Take something you don't like, then imagine a nutty alternate universe where that thing is exaggerated beyond all reason. One must follow from the other, correct? Your rhetorical work here is done.
I'm looking at you, [example of complaint].
Has been known to cause actual outbreaks of hives. As if the thing/person "looked" at would react with a surprised and bashful "Who, me?". Puts the writer in the unflattering role (for all concerned) of pedantic schoolteacher addressing unruly children.
Um, [condescension]?
As a verbal tic in conversation, "um" is perfectly acceptable and often auditorially invisible. Written in prose, it signals a level of smarmy superiority that would get you rightly punched in the face if you dared behave like that in person.
[Argument], wait for it, [rhetorical flourish].
Where did this come from? Stage direction cues in the theater? No matter, it's a ridiculous tease and artificial tension builder that's never worth the wait.
[Undesirable experience] made my [sensory organ] bleed.
One hopes there are people who've actually had their eyes, ears, or other parts bleed in such situations, so they can use this expression in all clinical honesty. Beyond that, inexcusable.
[adjective]-y goodness
"Goodness" once might have served as a comical placeholder for sarcastic expressions of positivity, but now it exists in this construction purely to demonstrate the high-lariousness of the writer. A near cousin replaces "goodness" with a noun specific to the context, such as "his sexy backness."
[any word]-gasm
Not orgasmic in any respect, and long past funny or clever.
[x] is the new [y].
The unkillable grandaddy of them all, a Protean monster capable of adapting to any topic, discussion, situation, or writer. Has gone through so many levels of irony, sarcasm, and hipster appropriation that it deserves to be captured and dissected so we can finally understand its vigor. There is likely no defense, but fight it as long as you can. Your sacrifice will be remembered.
Comments
I have no idea how to comment on this post.
Thank you Gawker.
What about "Meta"?
also, "cocaine".
"Y'all." It's a very nice and useful word when spoken, but it's even worse and more common than "teh."
Include these two:
apologizing to your 10 readers for not posting.
Or threatening to quit your because you realize that the 10 readers includes either your mom, boss, ex-b/f or g/f or all three.
I liked [X] better when it was called [Y].
How about arbitrarily listing relatively unimportant things that one finds annoying?
Boring
Oh, crap. This means I actually have to think of original things to say now.
THANKS, Gawker.
pretty thorough. in this list i like "um,[condescension]" and - wait for it - the best. Not for actual usage, but for making fun of.
The series of perfuntory one word sentences ties in with "Best. [thing.] Ever." but deserves its own slot, cause you can use it with anything, i.e. "This. Comment. Rocks." or "Make. My. Salad."
Um, Seriously? I'm looking at you, Gawker, when I say, wait for it, holocaust-gasm, yo.
As if.
Didn't I read this somewhere else before? On a different blog somewhere?
What's a blog?
Given the quality of the other posts today, I'm guessing this one was a few weeks in the making.
Ha Ha Sound--
A "blog" or "weblog" is when this really rich, encephalitic British guy buys a bunch of domain names then hires freelance writers to sit around and post increasingly-embittered attacks on their readership/mankind in general while paying them a pittance and not providing any sort of dental/medical coverage, in turn promising them excellent references when they're eventually approached by Vanity Fair.
I was just (activity x) because I'm (overexaggerated attribute associated with activity x) like that . . .
Dear Internets People:
• "Snarky" is a sarcastic way of saying "sarcastic", only it does not mean "sarcastic".
"Snark" means two things:
1.) The monster in a Lewis Carrol story from the 19th century; and
2.) A computer security breach of unknown origin .
People who use "snarky" as a synonym for "sarcastic" are sheep.
• Any variant of "tard" or "douche" is used only by people who can adequately be described as "douche-tards". All other variants are used by sheep.
• It's not ironic to ironically talk about famous people in a way that makes you sound like you're really not obsessed with obsessing about fame. In fact, you are.
Thank you for your time,
Mr. Scribbles
"to wit:"
ooh, ooh, ooh. and [possibly sincere, mildly histrionic, certainly sweeping conclusion]. Or something.
What about hearting and puffy-hearting things? Or is that so dead that it's resurrected and sainted?
please please please tell me these will appear on a new t-shirt line. I'll take What's next? [outlandish scenario]? in blue, size small. thanks!
So many of these are often common on The Daily Show as well...
But while you describe it as laziness, is it not moreso a change in the cultural lexicon? As the modes and methods of communication change in our society, the need for languaage to change to incorporate them is immediate. Almost all of the above examples convey an esprit de corps in which the authors are expressing "I speak to you in these terms to acknowledge our likemindedness".
Being an "older blogger" (in my thirties) I tend to use expressions that are, indeed, dated by comparison, i.e. "right?", "for sure", "like", and "awesome". And being a trifle bourgeois I'll throw in a ne c'est pas here and there.
And being a man-whore, I like to throw in the occasional reference to my, wait for it, cock.
When I started my comment, there were no other comments to this post. And I came in 23rd?
Touched a nerve, my bitches, touched a nerve!
If we need some replacement lingo, I'd like to nominate these:
* "I've made a huge mistake."
* "Rad!" (Alternately: "So rad!")
* "Hold your horses, people."
* "If [something I desire to happen does not happen], I'm going to beat the shit out of you."
Dear Mr. Scribbles,
Are you that Marxist guy wot works behind the meat counter at my local grocery store? He also tells me how people are sheep. Then he gets me my prosciutto.
(Sorry if this is a double-post. Either I've been executed unbeknownst, or my browser is having a serious problem-gasm. seriously.)
I think I just shit in my pants a little.
How about:
"No, really."
"WTF" -- as in What the fudge?
Using fudge instead of fuck.
fuck me.
I'd like to declare a moratorium on touche.
meh
"meme", "internets" and "heh" (to extent different than "teh")
This post made me throw up all over myself.
I got a nose bleed once after doing some really bad coke. Therefore, I reserve the right to continue use of "X made my (sensory organ) bleed."
I just came in my mouth a little.
[blank blank blank blank], [everything I write is dogma], [funny words], [overuse of box parentheses], [cackle cackle I work in my sweatpants].
"Violently about the head and neck" is also over used, or wait, is that just me....
(oh - you should probably include "..." in that list too.)
Y'all is an actual colloquialism for some of us, not some tic borne of self-acquired hipsterdoofism. Well, except for Tom Wolfe.
WORST. GAWKER POST. EVER. Um, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Stellar performance all around kids, brava.
I have to say however, that I love typing out "btw". It just looks and sounds so ridiculous if you actually pronounce the acronym - it makes me laugh every time. Granted, I laugh at pretty much everything when I'm hungover.
Also, "douchey."
Whatever.
re: ediebeale "I'd like to declare a moratorium on touche".
But only if it's NOT followed by "pussycat". Then all bets are off.
This one is a particular favorite of conservative writers of letters to the editor, second only to "Let me see if I have this straight" [outlandish scenario].
craigray, that is genius.
traffy, they're called brackets.
You suck, Blog-Media Clichés post! Bring back discounted t-shirt post!
Good list. Further suggestions follow. Some are from the MSM and some have mercifully left circulation, but should not be reissued for about 100 years.
1. [Statement of conventional wisdom followed by] Or not./Except when it isn't.
2. Storied
3. Kerfuffle
4. Bloviate
5. That's when things began to get interesting. [So say you.]
Gawker, please stop projecting.
STFU! Now I have to wait for someone to come up with Some.New.Shit that I can steal...
May I add:
A. Any reference to quantity of alcohol imbibed or to be imbibed.
B. Any reference to how drunk said blogger is, was or will be.
C. Any reference to how hungover said blogger is, was or will be.
We get it, you drink. I drink. We ALL drink.
Oh, and signing your posts. 'Cuz...well..it's like...umm..douche-y.
Off like a prom dress,
LMS
I'd add: "[event/thing/whatever] is v. [adjective]." Since when has "very" been too long of a word to actually finish typing?
whatevs. btw, commenting about the crappiness of gawker is the new throwing up in your mouth a little. for serious.
The MSM's poor coverage of [[insert pet grievance here]], as noted by [[insert obscure blog here]]. You know, I'd take the media's [[insert unsourced claim of media disdain for blogs here]] if they were, you know, credible.
"older blogger" == in your thirties? Fuck. I think I missed